Uniform

Detached

It's been an hour since I got off the phone with Aaron, and it's 12:34 AM. I know I'm not going to get any sleep tonight, I guess I'd better find something to keep me busy while I wait for the sun to come up. Maybe I'll pick out some clothes to wear, I do have school tomorrow after all. I've already changed; my parents only died 5 hours ago, and I'm numb. I don't feel like crying or being upset anymore; I just feel empty. I walked out of my parents' room and into my room. I walked to my closet and looked through all my shirts. After I looked through all of them, I just decided to wear my AHS tank top. I turned around and looked to see if I had any pants on the floor. My black jeans were already on my bedroom floor, one less article of clothing to worry about. I threw my shirt onto the floor next to my jeans. Then I turned back to the closet, bent down, and picked up my skull shoes from Hot Topic. I placed them right outside of my closet, then I walked over to my dresser. I looked to see if my skull earrings were still there, guess I'm wearing those tomorrow as well.

 Next to my dresser, I have a box that has my water speakers on top of it. I plugged my water speakers into the wall and then plugged my laptop in. The last song I was listening to was 'Nobody's Hero' by Black Veil Brides, so I just started from there. I checked my phone, and it was at 32% so I plugged it into my charger. I lay on my bed, I don't know what to do now. I picked out my clothes for tomorrow, and I know I'm not going to sleep at night. It's 12:40 AM, and none of my friends are up at this time, so I can't text them. I got up from my bed and walked to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and got out the tub of ice cream. I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and got the spoon out of the drawer. I got 3 scoops and put the tub back in the freezer. I walked back to my room, spoon in mouth. This may all sound very delicious, but it wasn't. The ice cream didn't taste like anything; my mental state was affecting me physically.

 If anyone were to look at me right now, I'd look like another normal teenager: listening to music, lying in bed, eating ice cream, and being overall lazy. No one would be able to tell that I'm grieving, and I wouldn't want anyone to know either. I don't want people's pity. I know people will pity me if I tell them my parents died. I can't stand the way people look at you or treat you when they pity you. It kinda makes you feel even worse about whatever happened or is happening.  I had finished my ice cream while ranting to myself, I wouldn't be surprised if I was going insane. Who wouldn't after their parents died and are now orphaned?

 It's only 1 AM, but I found something to pass the time. Thinking about everything is kinda helping to deal with it. Maybe I could just go to the counselor's office tomorrow instead of going to my classes. Talking about it might help me feel something other than numbness. I don't like feeling this it makes me just think what the hell is the point of living anymore if I can't feel some type of positive emotion? I know I'm not going to be able to feel happiness until I start to get over my parents' deaths. I'm not ready to get over it yet. Right now, I want closure for my parents. I don't want to plan their funeral; hopefully, Aaron and Bailey will do it for me without needing my help. I don't want to let them go, but I have to.