Uniform

Detached

It's been an hour since I got off the phone with Aaron it's 12:34 AM. I know I'm not going to get any sleep tonight, I guess I better find something to keep me busy while I wait for the sun to come up. Maybe I'll pick out some clothes to wear, I do have school tomorrow after all. I've already changed, my parents only died 5 hours ago and I'm numb. I don't feel like crying or being upset anymore, I just feel empty. I walked out of my parent's room and into my room. I walked to my closet and looked through all my shirts. After I looked through all of them I just decided to wear my AHS tank top. I turned around and looked to see if I had any pants on the floor. My black jeans were already on my bedroom floor one less article of clothing to worry about. I threw my shirt onto the floor next to my jeans. Then I turned back to the closet bent down and picked up my skull shoes from Hot Topic. I placed them right outside of my closet, then I walked over to my dresser. I looked to see if my skull earrings were still there, guess I'm wearing those tomorrow as well.

 Next, to my dresser, I have a box which has my water speakers on top of it. I plugged my water speakers into the wall and then plugged my laptop in. The last song I was listening to was 'Nobody's Hero' by Black Veil Brides so I just started from there. I checked my phone and it was at 32% so I plugged it into my charger. I lay on my bed, I don't know what to do now. I picked out my clothes for tomorrow and I know I'm not going to sleep at night. It's 12:40 AM and none of my friends are up at this time so I can't text them. I got up from my bed and walked to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and got out the tub of ice cream I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and got the spoon out of the drawer. I got 3 scoops and put it back in the freezer. I walked back to my room spoon in mouth, this may all sound very delicious but it wasn't. The ice cream didn't taste like anything my mental state was affecting me physically.

 If anyone were to look at me right now I'd look like another normal teenager: listening to music, laying in bed, eating ice cream, and being overall lazy. No one would be able to tell that I'm grieving, I wouldn't want anyone to know either. I don't want people's pity, I know people will pity me if I tell them my parents died I can't stand the way people look at you or treat you when they pity you. It kinda makes you feel even worse about whatever happened or is happening.  I had finished my ice cream while ranting to myself, I wouldn't be surprised if I was going insane. Who wouldn't after their parents died and are now orphaned?

 It's only 1 AM but I found something to pass the time. Thinking about everything is kinda helping to deal with it. Maybe I could just go to the counselor's office tomorrow instead of going to my classes. Talking about it might help me feel something other than numbness. I don't like feeling this it makes me just think what the hell is the point of living anymore if I can't feel some type of positive emotion? I know I'm not going to be able to feel happiness until I start to get over my parents' death. I'm not ready to get over it yet. Right now I want closure for my parents I don't want to plan their funeral, hopefully, Aaron and Bailey will do it for me without needing my help. I don't want to let them go but I have to.