The Boy with 100 Days

Day 19

            I am writing this with the feeling of being hollow. I can feel my heart beat quite fast, and very hard against my chest. I'm scared. I have never been so scared in my life, I feel like I just lost something I will never get back. A friend, somebody I care about, but most importantly, somebody I love. I'm having trouble breathing, and I don't know what to do. I texted everybody I can for help on what to do, but their advice doesn't help, it just hurts me even more. I tell them she hates me, that she wants nothing to do with me, and they say "If she ever really cared about you, she will come back." and here I am, waiting. Maybe she never really cared for me at all, maybe she pitied me. I wouldn't blame her at all, I mean I look at myself everyday in the mirror, and think "Look at this disgusting pig, no wonder you are dying, nothing this hideous could ever be allowed to live a full and happy life!"

            I'm just so scared. Somebody help me, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write, because I'm feeling nothing at all but an empty void, but I'm also feeling every emotion at once. Anger, sadness, exhaustion, sickness, happiness, worried, scared, and pained. I am angry that I am what I am. I am sad because I can't change it. I am exhausted from the long hours in the night awake crying, because when I'm sad I get insomnia. I am sick from not eating because of depression, and losing concentration. I am happy because it will all end soon. I am worried, because what happens after it all ends. I am scared, because I don't want to lose everybody. I am pained, because I lost my love, and I am hurt because I can't live without her.

            It's all my fault isn't it? That she left. That I'm dying. That I can't do anything about it? The only thing that gets me through the night is that it all ends in a few months. I die, and it is over, nothing else. I feel bad and all for my family, but I'm just so tired of life. If you are reading this, I'm sorry, but I just want it to come soon. I'm keeping this hidden from now on, so if you find it, and I'm still alive. Well, damn you. Damn you, damn you, damn you. This is my life, and I hate you for reading it, but if however I am dead, and you are reading this. I'm just sorry, sorry you may have had to put up with me, only to have me die with you still living. It makes me feel like crap, that you might have had to put up with all my crap, and may not have received anything in return, only to have me die so shortly into my life.

            I spent the day researching every brain disease that is like mine, that are curable. Because maybe, by the slight chance the Doctor can be wrong, and if he was wrong, and I will be able to live, and I do end up living. I'll just kill myself. I mean, why bother anymore. Life doesn't even matter to me right now. I just can't do this anymore. I'm scared. So so scared. Please, can somebody save me...