Throughout my life, ammi would repeat this quote ‘’Living up to others’ expectations is pointless if you can’t live up to your own’’
At times, I’d blink stupidly; not sure whether she was telling me or simply losing her sanity. By now I had understood exactly what message she’d conveyed. Why? You ask. Because I had done exactly that. I was what people had made me.
Now, I stand at a junction, rhetorically speaking. I could make my own choice, and break free of anyone’s expectations or I could continue pleasing like a damned doormat. My naani and other family members wanted me to study at the Pakistan Institute of Development Economics (PIDE). I could do that, make them happy but for the first time; I don’t think that’s what I really want.
I want to go to the Indus University. Aliyah is going there, and so are the small group of friends I managed to make in college.
Under any other circumstances, I would have simply accepted being a doormat. But after reading Ammi’s letter which had been left in her will for me. I wasn’t so sure.
This is how it went:
Dear Daughter,
Now that you’ve opened this letter, Ainee. It may be too late or too early. But there’s the smallest possibility that it could also be opportune timing. Yet that isn’t why you’re reading this letter right now.
I may be gone now, but I always knew, beta. You weren’t happy; I could see it through your eyes. Maybe it was my fault, or your fathers’. But playing the blame game won’t help. I want you to hear Sara’s story. Who is Sara? You’re probably wondering. She’s a friend, you could say.
Sara’s family were polar opposites of ours. They weren’t well-off and Sara couldn’t afford all the leisure; that other children could. She struggled and had to fight for everything she wanted.
Although her parents were big dreamers. Sara’s future was planned well before her birth. They wanted her to go to LUMS and earn her BS degree from the Syed Babar Ali School of Science And Engineering.
Sara got accepted at Karachi Grammar School under scholarship. She would stay up throughout nights to read encyclopaedias and textbooks- borrowed from the local library.
Let’s forward to her later life. Sara was very strange, always obedient and oh so very quiet. She would blend in anywhere and people wouldn’t even see her till she spoke up. No teenage rebellion stage came with her. Not ever. Even when her parents forbid her to keep contact with Mariam- because Sara’s mother believed that Mariam, with her quick tongue would be a bad influence on Sara.
Mariam and Sara had been very close; whether this sudden distance depressed her or not. No one found out, at that moment.
But all these choices bounced back. On the day she would graduate with the BSc class of 2013; she never showed up at the graduation ceremony.
Her success couldn’t fill the void space in her heart. Sara had to decide then- would she follow her planned future and become an engineer or would she go back to the life she wanted. Back to Karachi’s slums, playing hop scotch with the neighbours’ children and gossiping with the old maids.
Ainee, I’m positive that you already know what she chose- I hope Allah can grant you the same strength to make that exact choice before it’s too late. I must admit the truth though. Sara’s story is in fact mine; but before I went back to the slums, I met your father.
I hope you try and understand why I did what I did. I tried to force upon you a future that I wanted. Find yourself, Ainee. Make your own choices. Because in the end, people’s expectations will no longer count. Your own choices and expectations are what will matter then.
Love,
Ammi
