Have you ever experienced the kind of shock where you find yourself unable to move; like when there's such a strong atmosphere of stupidity you find yourself stunned into what feels like an eternal silence? This is something I experienced first- hand a few months back, when I for some reason trusted you Laa-Laa to look after my house while I was away.
I expected nothing of you Laa-Laa, and somehow you still managed to disappoint me.
I arrived home on that afternoon with a smile on my face; accompanied by Po and Dipsy. I want you to think about this Laa-Laa; I was so content on that day that I invited DIPSY over for lunch, and somehow you managed to change that. We arrived through the door, and it hit me straight away; I knew that something was...off. We waddled with caution through the hallway, which appeared to have been left untouched for some unknown reason.
If we only knew of the horrors that awaited us in the next room.
I had given you everything you could've possibly wanted when I was away; those lemons I know are your favourites, a copy of your favourite film, Finding Nemo. All I asked of you was to keep the place from looking like a murder scene and to look after my goldfish Cornelius. So yes, I couldn't have given you more, and yet you still managed to destroy it all.
Remnants of your presence could be seen all over the site of the crime: The foul stench of lemons was so strong it could've burned all the evil out of Dipsy.
The odour you left in the bathroom caused the paint to peel off the walls and the floor tiles to crack. I thought you would've learned something from the last time you tried to make a bowl of cereal, but apparently not, as you evidently had tried to pour yourself another.
This is where things took a serious turn for the worse. I heard the familiar thump of a teletubby hitting the floor and muttering something to himself, and it was at that moment alarm bells started going off in my head. You must've forgotten to pour the milk into a bowl when making your 'cereal' Laa-Laa, as I saw you decided to put it in my fish tank instead.
CORNELIUS.
He was nowhere to be seen in the diluted milk solution. To say there was something fishy going on would be an understatement and also a terrible pun. He literally disappeared out of thin air. (No that's incorrect, what would you say in a fishes' case..he disappeared out of thin water? No Tinky Winky stop, there's no time for discussing such trivial matters, we must finish the story!) Anyway, the fish had vanished, Po was on the floor and Dipsy had decided to busy himself by looking through my cupboards for some food. I didn't think it could get any worse, but then again that day seemed to be full of surprises, didn't it Laa-Laa?
On taking a closer look at the fish tank I noticed something that completely and utterly terrified me. You had actually gone to the trouble of cutting out the picture of Nemo from the front of the Finding Nemo DVD, and then you stuck it onto the glass of the fish tank. Was this meant to be some kind of sick joke Laa-Laa, or did you honestly expect me to believe such poor attempts to conceal the murder of my aquatic companion?
It was funny though Laa-Laa, because that wasn't the thing that set me off. Dipsy had evidently found something he liked, and as he turned around I noticed he was carrying my tub of bran flakes. Laa-Laa, you very fittingly had attached a label onto the tub: 'For Peasant Po'. Dipsy read it out loud, wearing a confused expression on his face. By now, Po had returned to reality, but as soon as he heard Dipsy say those words, we lost him again. We eventually decided to leave him to his own devices as we ventured into the final room.
My living room was a complete mess, much like the rest of my house. You had Finding Nemo blaring on the tv in Portuguese, and that chair you loved so much was covered in lemon skins.
In the corner of the room Laa-Laa, you had created a shrine dedicated to Chris Tarrant. There were pictures of him in his suit, and untouched lemons surrounded him in circular patterns. You had photoshopped a picture of one of the episodes in action, when Chris was in the midst of giving someone a cheque. You changed the picture in such a way so that you were in the contestant's chair, and instead of a cheque, you were receiving a lemon from Chris.
The funny thing was though, neither of those things set me off either. I was too focused on trying to locate your whereabouts Laa-Laa to have time for anything else.
After hours of searching, I was on the verge of giving up; but then Po saved the day. He had spent the entire evening in the corner nibbling on dry branflakes, and as it turns out there was a note at the bottom of the tub. I picked it up, and it simply read
'You put the tubby in teletubby Po, congratulations. Tell WinkyTinky I didn't want to overstay my welcome so I left.'
WAIT.
Laa-Laa you didn't call me that. You couldn't have.
WINKY TINKY?!
I blacked out then, so I can't remember much of what happened. I had formulated a plan though; I was going to fight fire with fire.
I knew you would come back eventually to get your photo of Chris Tarrant so I decided to write your name on it prior to your visit. I swapped it around like you did with my name, because I knew for a FACT that it would annoy you.
Unfortunately I was very tired when carrying this out, and was oblivious to the obvious. I swapped around your name alright.
But.
Laa-Laa, as you went From TinkyWinky to WinkyTinky, I did the same.
I went from Laa-Laa to Laa-Laa.
I am a terrible excuse for a teletubby.
