There's not a word in the English language that could be used to accurately describe Laa-Laa's physique. For now, I think we'll say that her body resembles an object that was flattened by a steamroller and was then hastily pumped up to the size of a saggy balloon. I don't mean to burst your bubble Laa-Laa, (or in this case your balloon shape) but I think your days in the sun are over. (Ever since the Teletubbies finished, your career has deflated faster than a car tyre popped by Dipsy's antenna) And speaking of sun, I think that giggling baby from your days in the 'Teletubbies' would be looking down on you with such shame and disapproval. You have let us all down, not just as a community but as a nation.
I was in the midst of having a heated discussion with Dipsy and Po about Elmo's drinking problem when you walked in. I hadn't seen you in months as you insisted on being apart for a while, but let me tell you when I laid eyes on you that day I swear I was looking at something that resembled a shaved Big Bird. Laa-Laa, please take my word for it, you are not ugly by any stretch of the imagination. Indeed you are the best looking shrivelled-up lemon I have ever laid eyes on. But we have to face the facts that something has to change. That is the sole reason why I am writing this biography for you; I want to help you understand that becoming a fruit doesn't make you healthy. Living off of lemons and sandpaper is something that has to stop.
So as I was saying, you came towards us and on your way fell on the floor with the kind of grace that wasn't at all amazing. After brushing yourself up, you stood up and remained there, like a lump of banana-yellow play doh frozen in time. Po was the first to react. He called you over, and slowly the lump of play doh moved warily towards where we stood. Dipsy, Po and I stared at you in astonished silence, as you came to a halt right next to us. Following a few moments of awkwardness, the yellow beanbag proceeded to look each of us up and down as if we were some kind of display. I noticed that despite your clumsy entrance Laa-Laa you still managed to carry this sort of arrogance you never had before.
It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realised why. We all began asking you how you had been, seeing as NONE of us had seen you since our show came to a close. You isolated yourself to such an extent that the three of us thought you had joined the Hermit the Hog clan. You interrupted me mid-sentence, exclaiming something along the lines of 'Listen up you furry inedible gummy bears.' You had us stunned into silence once more Laa-Laa. We listened to you as you told us everything. Let me tell you, I was utterly disgusted by the verbal diarrhoea that erupted through your pie hole. I honestly thought I misheard the garbage you were spouting; that you of all the Teletubbies on this earth was spending your time with someone else. YOU WERE HANGING OUT WITH BARNEY AND FRIENDS THE WHOLE TIME. For some reason unbeknownst to myself we let you finish your little tale. I fortunately had entered a state of shock and only heard fragments of it; however I distinctly remember you saying something like 'I love you'. It's too late for that Laa-Laa, no words in this world can ever repair the damage you have caused. Now that I think about it, you repeated the phrase many times Laa-Laa but in a different pitch each time. You must have known you weren't getting through to us, as you then started saying 'You love me'. No we don't Laa-Laa, not anymore. This book is my way of detaching myself from all the memories we shared; it's going to be full of all the experiences we had over the years.
Poor Po couldn't cope with what you did and collapsed into a heap on the floor, and began muttering 'Eh-Oh' to himself in such a pitiful fashion that I almost felt like squeezing one of the lemons you brought in your eyes. Laa-Laa, you kept a poker-face the entire time as Dipsy and I fell to the floor in an attempt to bring Po back to us. Without another word, you simply left the room, leaving us to deal with the repercussions of your actions.
