the flatline project

iv. war

iv. war

I am holding a handful of pills

in my trembling right hand.

the bathroom tiles are ice ice cold against my bare legs.

the shadows and the darkness and the voices are too much all too much I just can't take it anymore.

I need it to stop. I just need it to stop. 

things will be better once I'm gone. I've come to terms with that.

the air that I'm breathing is air that I do not deserve. the food that I'm eating isn't mine.

I am a stain on the earth that needs to be scrubbed clean.

my heart begins to race and my chest fills with a dull ache that I am accustomed to and my head feels like it is about to explode. I breathe in and I breathe out but I am gasping gasping gasping for air that isn't there.

there is a war

inside my head

and I just saw the good guy

drop

dead.

the enemy has won.

so I must die.

but

as usual

I hesitate.

every fibre in my being knows that I do not belong on this earth. but I can't shake the feeling that maybe maybe maybe I am about to make a mistake.

that maybe maybe maybe I should stay alive a little longer.

there are two people in the world that could make me stay.

the girl who is my flesh and blood

and the boy who stares at me all day with his blue blue eyes.

I shouldn't

I can't

I won't think like that.

he doesn't care

so why does dying seem less appealing when I see his face?

no.

no.

I still want to die.

so

I take a deep breath

and tip my head back.

the handful of pills hovering over my mouth.

just one tilt of the hand

and I'll be dead.

one drop of fate

and my name will be nothing more than a distant memory.

I take a deep breath

and tip the handful of pills into my open mouth.

I swallow

one,

two,

three.

what am I doing?

is this what I want?

can I really go through with this?

on

and on

the internal battle wages.

doubts

and questions

slip

through the cracks.

and I fumble

and stumble

and hesitate once again.

three pills down

and

ten more to go.

I spit them out onto the white tiles because I can't I can't I can't do this I'm afraid so very afraid what if I fail what if I don't die they'll find out they'll see I can't let that happen I can't let them know that I want to end my life I can't I won't I will never show weakness until I am truly dead.

the death I didn't swallow

spills onto the bathroom tiles.

and I wash my mouth of the poison.

my body is trembling.

my head is screaming.

more doubts and questions are taking jabs at my flesh.

my tears are a shade of crimson I have never seen before.

but I shake my head

at the monsters

that only I can see.

because I can't

let them break me

when I need to go and pretend like everything is fine.

I pick up the wasted pills and discard them.

I slip the almost empty container into my jeans and hide it under my jumper.

I wipe and scrub the tears away wishing my eyes weren't so set on betraying me.

I inhale and resist the urge to reach for my blade.

not now, not now, I can't do this now.

I have to dress the darkness in something that will hide it.

I have to smile and laugh and shield the scars that mar my skin. I have to be the perfect marionette doll for the people who hold the strings.

out I go

into the world

with my shield in front of my fragile body.

I hide the tremble in my hands

my blood stained sleeves

my battle-scarred wrists

and my bloodshot eyes.

I erase the darkness from the exterior of my being so that I will not be discovered.

no one will see

no one will know

how close I was to the edge and the ground below.

I could have died just now but the stupid stupid doubts won the doubts that are most likely lying to me the doubts that don't make sense and they do make sense and I don't I don't I don't know what to do.

I should die I want to die but what if what if what if I'm wrong what if I hurt her or him or what if I pull her down and she dies with me too.

I can't risk it yet

not

until

I have a better plan.

not until I'm certain of her safety.

so I lift my shield

higher

and push against the darkness

and the claws reaching for my skin

and battle against all that is out to get me.

I wade through the blood and watch the colour stain my bare legs

and I try to keep my balance as the monsters are trying to pull me down.

I can't start falling now

not after I climbed back up

because if I fall again now

I'll be gone

f o r e v e r.