Never Good Enough

Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi.

Tahliah's P.O.V

Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi.

Welcome to my terrible messed up crazy life. Where my whole existence has been a mistake. Where my family hates me. Where I'm scared of everything and anything. Where i'm never accepted. Just welcome.

My name is Tahliah and this is my terrible life. My whole life I've been wondering why I've been hated everywhere I go. Why can't I just be normal? But I guess it was just meant to be this way. I'm tall, very tall at that, I'm seventeen years old. Regular curly blackish brownish hair. I have a toned stomach, big thighs and rear end. I have four brothers and one sister. Most of them are half except for my second oldest brother and my younger one right after me. 

In this life I feel like there is no point of living and it all started at the age of 8. I can remember it like it was yesterday.

*Flash back*

"Tahliah i'm leaving for work now. I'll be back before you know it" my mom kisses my forehead.

"Where's dad?" I ask

"He left already. Everyone's gone but you'll be here with Uncle Paul" she said referencing my dad's new "friend".

"Paul, this is Tahliah. Tahliah this is Paul. He will be watching you while we are gone" she smiled.

"Hey, we are going to have fun today" he smiles.

There's something about him that I didn't like and I felt it in my soul. I could sense it in the way that he looked at me and scanned my body, that he would be the only one having fun. By the way he smirked and looked into my eyes. Something about it made me instantly feel uncomfortable. Before this time, I've only seen Paul on time on a glance one day when he came to visit my father. Even then, the same look still resignated with me. 

"Okay, I can tell you too are gonna have fun" my mom smiles "Bye sweetie"

"Bye mom" I sigh scared out of my mind.

"Alright Tahliah, let's go have some fun" Paul exclaims. "Go meet me in the room on the bed I will be right there."

"Yes, uncle Paul" I say scurrying away.

Waiting for him to come back. I sit on the bed and fiddle with my fingers. He walks in and shudders go throughout my body.

"Alright little Tahli. Can I ask you a favor and take off your clothes for me? We are gonna play a little game okay?"

I nod my head and begin to slowly take off my clothes.

"Uncle Paul won't hurt you, just lie down flat on the bed okay?" He says gently.

"Okay" I whisper doing as told. I watch as he takes off his clothes and I instantly know this is not right.

"What are you doing uncle Paul?" I whisper.

"Don't worry honey, it won't hurt you" he smirks.

"I don't want to play this game anymore" I whimper.

"Your going to do it whether you like it or not" he says sternly.

He slowly  came up right in between my legs and centered himself, No matter how much I kicked and scream he held down all parts of my tiny body with ease.

"Help" I cried with tears all  over my face.

"No body can hear you, you little crybaby. Now stop screaming this will only hurt more, the more that you move" he said through clenched teeth. And with that he thrusted and rammed right inside me.

I screamed  and cried through pain. Quickly passing out and lost all feeling throughout my body. 

*Flash back over*

Ever since then my life has been filled with worry, pain, doubt and especially Fear. Fear of him coming back for me. Fear of any guy that dare come close to me. Fear of my father, my brothers whenever we joked around. No one ever understood me. I was this fragile girl who had secrets, upon secrets what no one would ever understand. 

My life has been bad since then, I shut everyone out and just keep whatever I have to say to myself. Throughout everyday I whisper angry thoughts under my breathe which expresses how i'm feeling.

He didn't consider my feelings. He didn't consider that I was scared.He didn't consider my young age, he took advantage of all of those things and whomever I got lose to would just do the same. So I distance myself from everyone who wants come in contact with. Friends I don't have any. Acquaintances, I have a few I guess. I barely talk to them but they make the effort for me. 

Overall I'm just scared of Everything. Everyone. Because no one will ever know and understand me.

Because behind this "smile" there are too many stories that no one will ever understand. 

People think, they see you and just think everything is okay. Long sleeves, Fake smiles, Fake laughs can get you very far through life. I never thought I would get very far and eventually someone will realize.. But no one ever does. 

My marks, are always high so my parents expect nothing different every report card or progress reports. My guidance counselor and a lot of other people consider me emo or some crap. And honestly, I don't blame them. I've had a season where I did cut myself, and attempt suicide multiple times. But things can only go on for so long before you want change. 

Yea, I get tired of being fake with people, But its just how I grew up wit people. For me to get my trust broken over and over again. My heart can only take so much. But maybe if I pull all of myself together I can keep pushing aside the truth. What I constantly have replaying in my mind. In everything that I do. The question replays in my head. I know i'm not good enough. To play sports because I could never make the second try out. To take chemistry because I will probably keep failing. But the question still stands.

Will I ever be good enough?

Hey guys, New book. But it's just only gonna get deeper. Hope you guys like it :)