The Beginning

Dan

    He is looking at me now, his eyes wide and condescending. I know what he is trying to tell me: "Put down the camera. Something is wrong. You're not okay." Honestly, it's embarrassing. I don't want him to care about me, it hurts too much. The way his brow furrows, the way he is studying my face reminds me of how well he really does know me. I turn of the camera and look at the ground. "Let's go home."

When we open the door, he stands back, letting me go first and following me up the stairs. As we get into our apartment, I quickly take of my coat an hurry to my room. I can't let him see me cry. I hate the fact that I ended things I hate myself. I hate the fact that he can see right through me. Can he see that I'm broken? Can he see that he's the only thing running through my mind, every second of every day? Can he tell that I dream about him every night? That I don't care how long its been, and that I probably never will?

So I hide., like usual. I throw my jacket onto my bedroom floor and sit on my bed, my back facing the bedroom door. My head is in my palms, the heels of my hands pressing into my eyes. As I'm trying not to cry, and focusing on stupid shit that isn't Phil, I hear my door open.

"I made you hot chocolate," he says, standing in my doorway.

The room is silent. I do not move from my position, hoping that if I pretend he isn't there he will leave.

He doesn't.

He walks into my room, and sets the mug down on my bedside table.

"You don't have to talk to me, but I'm not leaving until you do."

My heart rate increases as he speaks. I mumble through my hands, "Go away."

"No."

I say it louder, trying to sound more firm. "Go. Away."

He steps closer to my bed. "No."

I'm yelling this time. "GO AWAY, PHIL. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!"

"I don't care. Something is wrong. And I know that for a long time things have been weird between us, but something is wrong and you're acting weirder than usual. So talk to me." The way he talks is smooth, like honey. I want to wrap myself in his voice, to close my eyes and fall asleep to the sound of him telling me it'll be okay. But it won't be, because he doesn't want me anymore. Because I ruined everything between us. Because nothing will ever be the same..

"STOP."

"Why are you acting so stubborn? What did I do?!" says Phil, his voice rising.

I turn around, my eyes red and stinging. "IT'S NOT ANYTHING YOU DID," I yell. "THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT'S ALL ME. DON'T YOU SEE THAT?! I RUIN EVERYTHING."

"What are you talking about? Yeah, the past has been a bit rough, but..." he looks at the floor, his hair covering his eyes. Suddenly, his voice sounds small, like a scared little boy, waiting to be yelled at. "We've moved on. we're past it. Why do you think you ruin everything."

The room falls silent again. Staring at my hands, I return to my original position, my back towards him.

"Dan?"

And now I'm crying.