The Beginning

Phil

And so the day goes on.
Even though it hurts me, I try to make an effort to talk to Dan. But, whenever I open my mouth to speak, he looks at the floor, or stuffs his hands into his pockets. He looks sullen, like he is morose about some situation I am yet to understand. I am not sure if I did something to upset him, or if something bad happened that I don't know about, but seeing him this way makes me feel awful.

I remember the first time we met in person. We were both wearing flannels, which I secretly thought was hilarious. He seemed nervous to be around me, and, to be completely honest, it made me feel strange. I mean, I didn't see myself as that important. Sure, I had a lot of subscribers, but they weren't people that I would feel comfortable being completely open with. It was odd having somebody want to meet me so badly. But, to this day, I don't think Dan knows actually how excited I was to meet him. And so we met. We talked. We became best friends.

But he will never be just my "Best friend."

There are times when I think of him and find myself speechless. This boy, the boy with the messy brown hair and the goofy smile, this boy with the freckles and the dimples, the one with the warm, chocolate brown eyes that have drawn me in since the first time I saw his face. This boy with the dark wardrobe but the bright future, this boy with the laugh that makes me think "Damn, Phil, you have finally found your purpose in life." This boy that makes me feel special even when I'm not, this boy who confuses the hell out of me and makes me want to cry all the time, this boy who I can never see myself without.

And I wonder why we let that go. He said it wasn't working. He said he was scared for our friendship, like you have to pick and chose between lover or friend. He said he wanted me to forget about everything we had gone through for the sake of our friendship. He said he wasn't going to move out, he said he never would, all he said was that "we" were too much for him to handle. And, to this day, I still agree.

My thoughts about him are interrupted by Dan who knocks on my bedroom door. My heart flutters, but I silently chastise myself, saying none of this is worth my time. He is holding the camera, and begins with, "Hello internet! Today on 'A Day in the Life of Dan and Phil'..."
and I instantly smile, hoping to appear care-free and happy. We walk into the bathroom, still filming, and put on our jackets in the mirror.

The vlog is oddly quiet today. We walk along the streets of London, looking in shop windows for Halloween costumes and jumpers, sipping mulled wine in tiny styrofoam cups. Usually, Dan is so bubbly, and tonight it feels like I don't know him. He keeps staring at me, and when I look toward him he looks at the ground until I turn away. His smile is not his usual, dorky smile tonight, it is a smile that looks almost as if he is pleading.

I look at him.

He looks at me.

He can tell my eyes are saying "We can vlog another time. Put the camera down." so he does.

I don't know what he is thinking, but dammit, I need to.