Waiting for Nothing

Even when it's not right

Funny how the heart can be deceiving 

More than just a couple times 

Why do we fall in love so easy 

Even when it’s not right 

The charade begun.

The deception lived on.

While you promised that you will leave her for me, I knew in the deepest recess of my heart that you won’t. Even when you held me after a rather violent fight, I knew whatever we had was not worth fighting for.

Because I was the only one fighting and the only one hurt.

This simple fact no one seems to understand. Certainly not my friends who called me stupid or my older sister who told me that maybe I deserved what I got because I’m too scared to go after something or someone better.

It’s during those moments when you decline my calls, go to UST every 23rd of the month, and ask me to accompany you to buy her gifts that I question why I’m still here for you. Why do I swallow my pride and what little sense of dignity I have for a guy whose love for me is nothing but mere lip service.

You see, in moments of total clarity, I realized that you never loved me. No one would subject the person they love to the pain, the humiliation and the self-hate that you have repeatedly brought me? How could you love me and yet continue living four fairytale love story with her?

I blame my heart.

That stupid organ that told me I loved you.

Your perfect girlfriend would probably correct me and say it’s my dysfunctional hypothalamus that’s at fault, and not my heart. But the point is, my feelings blinded me from the truth – that you never loved me and that all these are nothing but a bunch of lies I stupidly fed on. I hoped for something I knew was wrong and could never be. I stupidly deceived myself into thinking something so wrong would turn out right. That all this unhappiness would be worth it in the end.  

And I ask myself, why do I choose to love when it’s not right?

Why do I keep trying when I know it’s not worthwhile?