Frerard : Never Let Them Take The Light Behind Your Eyes

Chapter 3- I Dont Love You

...

I get into my room and throw myself at the bed. I roll around for a bit then get up and go into the bathroom. Sliding down the shiny walls, I sink to the floor and then reach into the cabinet under the sink. It's that time again- A razor. A shiny little blade that glistens in the dim light that illuminates the room as I gradually move it closer to my wrists. Gliding the blade across my veins hidden beneath a layer of skin, specs of blood start to arise in perfect bubbles. I go along again, this time harder and deeper. I let out small whimpers as the crimson blood forms droplets are slithers down my arm. I move the blade up and slice again and again and again until my arm is covered in deep cuts. This isn't the first time I've cut...I've been self harming for about 2 years, it's just a release from this shitty reality... I understand that it can potentially fuck up my life, among other things, but what the fuck anyway? Fuck my dad- Fucking fuck him!

I get up slowly and a little dizzily and run the bloodied razor under the tap in warm water before putting it back into the cabinet. "hm" I moan, my arm is painful and I have to clean it up. I move over to the bath and fill it with hot and cold water to make it just right. I take off my jeans, hoodie, T-shirt, sock and shoes. I smile once it's full, hopping in. At first I only dip my feet to see if the temperatures alright. Safe, I get in fully and just lay there, letting the water soak into being. I wash my self down with the bar of granny soap that I've had forever and wash my hair with it too- I ran out of shampoo. I rinse everything off and get out the bath. I cant stop thinking about Gerard and how he's going to be with me and Mikey tomorrow. Maybe I can ask for his number? Or will that just sound too weird? Ugh! This is so frustrating! I have to stop thinking about him. I shouldn't get my hopes up ...

I stand up and wrap a large grey towel around my waist, wiping away the left over water that's dripping everywhere and the blood red swirls mix in like raspberry sauce on ice cream. I lean over the bath and pull the plug and the water is suctioned out like a mini tornado. Leaving the bathroom morbidly to put on my pyjama's, the same ones from last night, that haven't been washed in years, I swear, I almost wince with regret. I flick off the light switch and the room is plunged into darkness. I cant see. Giggly and high pitched I'm laying on-top of my bed covers now, staring into the pitch black heart of night that echo's around my room. Sleep soon overcomes me and I wake up to same alarm 'Bleeping' like yesterday.

...

I yawn and stretch out my arms into the air. That's when I realize that today is going to be the best day ever! I'm going to Mikey's house!... and Gerard's "Heheh" I chuckle under my breath. I can't wait, no really, I can't! I run into my bathroom once again, seemingly my favorite place- and wash the fastest I can (I AM THE FLASH), then going back into my room, changing into some grey jeans and a top, with a white rib cage printed on. My routine is basically the same as any other day, but just sped up a bit more!! I haven't asked my dad if I can go- and i'm not going to, I know for a fact he will say 'no', and he doesn't really care about me, so whatever, I do what I want! I race downstairs snatching my bag and shoes. I run out the door and keep running until I get to the bus stop. When reach it, i'm the first one there. That's when I put on my shoes and face- by face I mean eyeliner and white powder. It's weird, I haven't seen my dad this morning- maybe this will be the best day ever!

The bus arrives shortly and I get on taking my seat. Same place, alone again. We arrive at school, and this time I'm up swiftly and the first one to get off. I got a few odd looks as I practically leaped out the bus! But screw them haters, they can hate.

"Hey!" I shouted across to Mikey and Gerard who were walking in. They turned around and stopped by the gate to wait.

"Hey!!" Gerard's smile beams to greet me- uhh! I get all these fucking fuzzy feelings every time i'm around him. I smile back and we head inside school.