Tyler

She Who Has Stained Glass Eyes- Four

Her attention is never focused on a white board nor the math problems she never could understand, it always wondered off into a different world. Between her classes she takes little white pills with the words eat me imprinted on the front, she hurries in her classrooms to sit down so she can make the world stop spinning. Her weekends consisted of alcohol, vaping and drugs, this so often showed in her bloodshot eyes because she never slept for the fear that those horrid nightmares would come to life in a dream.

She walked with heavy feet just so somebody might hear the noise and come rushing out of their room to see the source of the racket, when caught she would just stand and stare screaming from the inside but from the outside all you can see is her stain glassed eyes never wavering never blinking, just staring forever into you wishing only that somebody would ask "are you okay?" But even then she knows the answer would not come she would simply turn and walk away back to her different world that you nor me would ever understand.

When she was young she lived two doors down from her childhood friends Rein and Maverick. Maverick was a year older than her and at that time as innocent as she. She moved in with her grandparents when her mother decided to move in with a man she met named Robert, her world had changed and the only thing that stayed the same was her mother's complete disregard for anybody else but herself but she knew this wasn't her fault it was the HillTop liquor store and it's bright neon lights that pulled her in everyday after work.

But all of these memories would fade away like mist on water as soon as she took another hit, all at once she would collapse on the couch and smoke her way into laughter. At school she would run into her old friend every now and again but never again did she think she would see him. He was her best friend that she never got to say goodbye to until Rein came to her with the news that he was getting out of the boys home that he was staying in and coming to their school to finish out freshman year. This was the first she heard of a boys home, she asked Rein about it and she told her about how he got into some trouble, failed a grade and was finally sent off. She thought about how happy he always was when they all hung out together, she remember the white Christmas when they made a snowman outside her house, she still had a picture from the day tucked tightly away in her wallet.

It was the beginning of fourth period, she had just got done scarfing down another pain killer along with some goodies when she ran into Maverick. She looked up at the boy who without a doubt had become a man, he held her shoulders steady as she tried to regain vision but she didn't want to see him, not like this not high and out of her mind she didn't want him to know after all these years this is where she's gotten, standing in the same shoes her mother wore. She pushed past him and sprinted to her next class but getting away from him didn't mean she didn't still have his image burned into her head, she relived every moment they all spent together before she left and along with those came her drunken mother and her new found love that she abandoned her for. 

All this time she spent trying to run away from her memories and now it's like they wouldn't go away. The drugs weren't working nor the alcohol and for once she found herself with no escape, she was in a dark room trying to read a letter without any light and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't make out what that goddamn words read. She sat on her bed cutting a line into her arm for every tear that fell down her cheek but with every cut and burn she still wanted to hurt more.

She took each bottle of Vodka, Whiskey, and Gin and threw them in the her car. She drove and she drove until she found herself back where it all started, in the backyard of her old house at four twelve. She walked around to the back patio where she use to play with her kittens before one of her mothers boyfriends decided they were too much trouble. She broke Bottle after bottle watching each one of them explode on impact. Her cries became louder and she couldn't find the strength to stand anymore, she fell on her knees letting the glass puncture and cut the skin that hid her bones.

She drove back home in the dark throwing out each bag of pills she kept hidden in the console. Her tears were dry and so was the tolerance she held for herself, she could feel it, every bit of it eating her from the inside out. Her house was dark and empty when she got home just like most nights, she stumbled to the bathroom as blood poured from her knees and hands but this didn't bother her. She looked hard at the mirror and reached out to touch the surface just to see if this really was her reality, if that person staring back at her really was herself. She grabbed the scissors from the nearby draw and picked up a glob of hair holding it only for a moment before closing her eyes and cutting it off.

She didn't sleep that night she just listened to nothing, absolute nothing letting her memories drowned her. The smallest hint of a smile could be seen on her face when she heard the screams of her grandmother when she saw her beautiful locks of hair all spread out on the bathroom floor. In her grey sweatpants and tanktop she threw the cover off of her grabbing her backpack and leaving out the front door to her car that still had blood stains on the floor. Her purse still sat in the passenger seat and her shoes still sat untouched in the back, she slipped them on and put the key in the ignition, she was still numb to all that had just happened but in that numbness she is finding sanity and a heart with spider webs about to be cleaned.

She pushed past her friends and ignored every question about her hair but still there in the hallway stood an old friend that she still loved yet didn't even hardly know anymore. She felt the cold air between them as she passed only exchanging a small but unforgettable glance up in his direction. She could tell he was staring at her hair but even more in her eyes, she hadn't even looked in the mirror that morning and she thought how horrible she must look without any sleep and with withdraw starting to set in.

He spoke only one word "hey." But she didn't respond she only kept walking not wanting to cause a scene, he grabbed her arm turning her to face him for a short second before pulling her into the girls bathroom. He studied her eyes with an intense expression not speaking just staring, her breathing wouldn't stay steady and her heart wouldn't stop beating. He left without speaking a single word but she knew what he said, she knew that he was asking why, why did you do this to yourself? But that question would probably never be answered because this was even a mystery to her but now all she wanted to do is wrap herself in his arms and feel the same safety he gave her as a child.

He was her clarity the miracle she needed to pull her out of this suffering she had lived in for so long. After all these years she finally cried, she no longer needed the company of random stoner guys from a party her friends dragged her to, she only needed him and his eyes to never leave hers again. She needed to see his face and feel his warmth again but now she couldn't imagine anybody loving her being so hideous and crazy. Her fear had finally came true, they all knew that she wasn't okay they all knew that she was not the same person she was yesterday with her perfect smile and slick brown hair, she was like a broken porcelain doll that a child had played with too rough. She ran her fingers through her hair looking at her reflection once again but this time longer, harder, and from different eyes. She couldn't even stand to look at herself, she wanted to turn away so bad but this was her and she couldn't accept that. Her hand folded into a fist and in a single blink the mirror was shattered where he bone and skin had touched. But she couldn't think of a better metaphor than this, anything she touches ends up broken just like the glass under her deadly fist.