A beautiful body she was creating with her own image in mind of the bones sticking out of her sides and shoulders. *Welcome to my wonderland*Her mind will hang a banner just behind her eyes to celebrate her new coming, creating like she always does a masterpiece produced by the artist with a brilliant vision.
"Watch her." Her mind will yell but her eyes will try to look away. "Watch that beautiful girl pass in front of you." Watch that beautiful girl pass you by without a glance and sit with the people you'll never be friends with. Watch that beautiful girl be silly with her body and not care that everybody is staring. Watch that beautiful girl that you will never be.
She laughs and ignores her rumbling tummy hidden under the lunch table where her friends are eating. She keeps conversation and hurries to change the topic when her red head friend Alyssa, asks "why didn't you get anything today?" "Not hungry she shrugs." I started a new diet. Then she turns to Becca to join on the rant about Mrs. Sherbert.
That afternoon when dinner was done she ate some fries to keep her grandmother from getting suspicious because she skipped yesterdays meal. After everybody went to sleep she flooded into the bathroom and stripped her shirt to look at the progress. She moved her skin over her ribs and turned around to study the bones poking from her back. It wasn't enough.
Disappointed at the pudgy belly that still lays on her canvas she grabs a toothbrush from the counter top and washed over to the toilet. She bites the end because she always dreads doing this and sticks it down her throat. One time. Two times. Five times. Until all that comes out is clear saliva. She falls to the floor, arms spread wide and stares for the ceiling looking for stars in a black sky that could carry her over an ocean to a place where she's a better person.
In her dreams it's so much different from reality because she doesn't think about the regular things you see in society before everything else. Things like weight, looks, and attitude. In her dreams she wasn't mean to people or gossiped, she didn't fake compassion or lash out in anger. In her dreams she was a better person than in reality, she was somebody she wouldn't hate if they were in another body standing in front of her.
Because of the incident at the football game the principle has temporarily put her in a home schooling program to keep the other students focused on school work. But that was okay because she didn't much feel like returning to school anyway. Being away from people gives her time to think, think about things she's done or people she's done things too. She looks at herself and she hates almost every particle shes made of, *she thinks to herself* Sometimes maybe I hate on other people to take some of the pressure off of myself, sometimes I need somebody else to distract myself with so I can stop toying with myself.
"Maybe you should focus more on yourself than you do other people and you can accomplice a whole lot more." But she knows it's hard to focus on herself because herself is the person she hates the most. She knows that if it gets quite and there's no one around all that's left to do is think about how badly she's fucking up. She knows if she didn't have somebody else's life to worry about on her laptop or on her phone that eventually when the tears dried up she wouldn't feel anything more. And maybe that doesn't sound like a bad thing but between that time all the memories, all the anxiety, all the anxious panic in her stomach would be eating at her insides until she's nothing else but a empty body laid out on the hardwood in front of her door with an empty medicine bottle in the trash.
She pulls herself off the floor in front of the toilet, wipes the side and flushes before wiping the tears away and returning to her bedroom. Snuggling under her covers she turns over and throws away the silence with another episode of "The Carrie Diaries." Warm and content now with an empty stomach she forgets about her reality and falls into her wonderland where she can be the person that doesn't need to worry if she's skinny, nice, pretty, smart, funny, sexy, creative, outgoing, interesting, caring, Perfect
Enough.
YOU ARE READING
Tyler
Teen FictionShe sits on the edge of her chair waiting for the opportunity to jump. She doesn't feel comfortable with all of these people she hardly feels comfortable in her own skin, no not hardly, not at all. Her reflection is the nightmare she will never wake...
