A Writer's Desk Critiques - Closed

About Critic Lara - Closed

Lara

(tangiblebliss)

About the critic:

Lara has been writing for around seven years now and has been posting her works on Wattpad for about four years. Currently, she is writing a figure skating story called "To Fall is to Fail."

She is excited to work with people, as critiques like these inspired her to work harder. Lara is strongest in grammar, description, and dialogue. She is open to work in PMs but it is easiest to work in Google Docs if available. She will try her best to help you!

Genres she won't critique:

Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Horror, Humour, Mystery/Thriller, Non-Fiction, Paranormal, Science Fiction, Spiritual, Vampire and Werewolf

Her Critiquing Preferences:

✔ She is open to critiquing LGBT+ stories.

✘ She is not open to critiquing Mature stories rated so because of violence or sexual scenes as well as blurbs.

✔ She will only critique a maximum of four chapters of one story.

✘ She won't critique your latest chapter(s) and will only start critiquing from the first chapter/prologue itself.

Her sample critiques:

Chapter Critique Sample:

The chapter begins with Fiona's dream. It is simple and the sentences are short and somewhat terse, especially in the moments of dialogue. The writer provides an air of etherealism, transporting the reader to the short lived but airy dream.

The abrupt transition from the dream to Fiona waking up to kissing a fish is very amusing. I enjoyed the jovial atmosphere and it is easy to understand that Fiona has a great relationship with everyone in her room at that point in time. I enjoyed this scene, but the only thing that bothers me is the lack of punctuation at the end of dialogue or sentences.

For many, it is a pet peeve that some writers spend time writing long paragraphs just to describe a character's appearance. The writer did an excellent job here, keeping the descriptions short and sweet. It could have been omitted but it does allow space between Fiona's shower and running down the stairs.

Within the next scene, more playful moments are written into the story, creating a happy mood and building the affectionate and amiable vibes between the parents and daughter. Short grammar correction: please do not start a sentence with "which" because it is easy to connect "which" to the prior sentence and the paragraph will flow better that way.

Throughout the chapter, there are several speaking verbs that are connected to pieces of dialogue. It is not bad to do that, however, many of the verbs are repeated and/or plain. I would advise to change it up, because as you change up verbs, it makes the chapter more interesting as well as describing the interactions more closely and with more intention.

I found it super heartwarming that her family asked Fiona to become the legal guardian of her close cousins. It was done in a kind and proper manner. There is even a bit of foreshadowing for the end of the chapter with the sentence, "[I]t's not like anything's gonna happen to you two..." which I find clever.

The story is very much written in Fiona's perspective, but I do find it slightly awkward for the amount of times that there are random sentences like "Oh how I love that show!" when on the topic of the show, Friends. There isn't much purpose to it other than just another sentence. The descriptions of her presents are described to the T and going a little over the top while doing so.

The next large paragraph could have been split into separate shorter paragraphs. It is very easy for a reader to get lost in a sea of words. The longer a paragraph is, the higher the chance the reader may not enjoy reading through it. If a long paragraph is split up until smaller paragraphs, it is easier to read and digest.

The last paragraph is descriptive, but impactful. It felt as though you were living through Fiona's aches and pains as her car is presumably hit by another car. The short sentences in the middle of it move the story along. The ending was a great cliffhanger, creating a premise for the next upcoming chapters. The cliffhanger also leaves you questioning several things. What happens to Fiona and her family? Will they be okay, or will a family member die? How will the other characters react to the accident?

Overall, it is a clear first chapter. I really did enjoy reading it. The descriptions are well written and it has great length for a chapter. It was very sweet and loving up until the end, which made the end much more melancholy and surprising to the reader. It has the potential for it to be built upon in future chapters.

Grammatically speaking, there are many mistakes, such as leaving out a comma or a period after a character finishes speaking or at the end of a sentence. There was an instance where "Lol" was used in a sentence, and personally, I don't believe any text talk or abbreviations should be used in any form of writing. Most of the grammatical errors are easy to read past, but as they continue to build up, it becomes harder to enjoy the chapter as originally intended.

Another concern is that the chapter was written so straight forward. There is no "show, not tell" within the chapter. The "show, not tell" technique allows the reader to see the emotions of the character or scene without telling it to them so straight. This is also one of the reasons why I suggested to switch some of the verbs. Although slamming a bunch of adjectives into a sentence to make it longer, it doesn't mean it's better either. Many of the sentences could have been omitted or revised to make it a stronger and emotional chapter.

I would confidently rate this chapter a 8/10. There is definitely room for improvement, but the plot was wonderful and written exceptionally.

Her payment:

For chapter critiques:

A short comment (1-2 sentences) on the chapter numbered equal to your requested chapters of her book To Fall Is To Fail.

For example, if you've requested critique on three chapters, then she'd ask you to comment on the 3rd chapter of her book.

Client feedback in the comments section below.

IMPORTANT: Forms are to be posted on the 'Request Critic Lara' page, not here. Also, if you're requesting on a weekday, kindly check for her current status in the comments on her Request page.