Depression

FAT

I was sitting on the beach near my house. I was five years old. My father was chatting with friends when a boy, about my age walked up to me. Fat. He called me fat. That put the idea in my head. Ever since then, I noticed that I was never as small as those around me. At first it didn't bother me. But as I started going out to more parties with my parents, and more and more comments about my weight came flooding down. I knew. I knew it was true. After this point, no one would be able to convince me other wise. I was fat. Because I was fat I was ugly. No boy would ever love me. At this point in my life I didn't worry about it as much. I had my best friend. Margret. She , too, was bigger than other kids. So it made me feel better about my body. As long as we had each other we were happy. When middle school came, I decided to lose some weight. I lost almost twenty pounds, but I was still fat. Then I just couldn't lose anymore I was just stuck at this weight. Cursed with this body. I knew I shouldn't feel bad about my situation, there are people who can't move their body at all. They are physically trapped. I'm mentally trapped. I could get over the word fat. It was what I lived by. I am fat. I am not pretty because I'm fat. I will not have friends because I'm fat. Those words cycled through my head. Fat. I'm fat. I'm a whale. No one likes a fat girl. I tried to dismiss these thoughts but they kept pushing. Once I reached high school I joined the crew team. I thought I would finally be able to get in shape and lose weight. It was intense. I was doing very well. But the weight wouldn't come off. After crew ended I tried out for the basketball team. I didn't make the team. Not only that but I was the only one they cut. It was because I was fat. I know it is. My disgusting fat body bouncing down the court was probably a hideous sight. I was sick of this weight. So I stop eating. Any time I did eat I would purge. Ten pounds came off very fast. I was wondering why I hadn't thought of this before. Then o hit another point, I just couldn't get past that one stupid number. But I won't let this stop me. I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.I will not eat.
But I was weak. Eventually my fat baby gave in and I ate. I couldn't control myself. I hated myself so much. I purged. I threw up everything. I threw about 3 pounds worth. I felt so sick after that. But it was worth it. I am fat. I will always be fat. I am fat.