The hospital, that was quite the adventure. I've never felt so locked up. It felt like being in a cage. I didn't feel the sun for 2 weeks. That is pure torture. I forgot what fresh air felt like what a house smelt like. White walls and disinfectant that was my cage. There were bars on the windows and you couldn't have bobby pins or erasers or jewelry so many things you couldn't have. I felt violated because they had to look at my scars dig into my emotions and past. They asked so many questions that I didn't answer. And maybe you're thinking I was being defiant. And maybe I was but I felt they didn't need to know all my mistakes all the things I did to feel beautiful. And maybe I destroyed my reputation but it's high school. Nobody will even remember my name a few years after I graduate. So maybe I was a little ashamed but that wasn't the reason I was self harming so why bring it up and reopen that wound every day? Why not try to find out the real problem? But they never did. They just focused on why I did what I did. I was depressed and felt so much self hate that maybe just maybe it felt good that someone thought I was beautiful after living so long thinking I wasn't. Maybe they said sweet words that made me think it was ok. Maybe I regretted it so much afterwards but that's not the reason I was depressed, not the reason I was self harming. Sometimes I don't understand why I was so depressed but I can tell you what I know.
I was a girl left by her mother. I never made that crucial bond a daughter is supposed to make with a mother. I had that shredded to pieces. I never made that healthy attachment with my mother. It was unhealthy. By the time she tried to make that bond it was too late. I told her I didn't want her in my life. I had a sister that I saw as a daughter and that's a lot of responsibility to take on at a young age. Sometimes I still struggle seeing her as just my sister. There were so many rumors about me. People calling me cruel things and maybe some of it was true but nobody deserves being called the things I was called. And nobody deserved to see what they saw, and that's not my fault. I felt worthless like a waste of space. Lost in a world that didn't want me here. I felt like no one would notice if I just died. And man did I want to.
