When I came out of the hospital life was still hell. School tore me apart. Someone had leaked where I had been and it was everywhere whispers in the halls. New names being called. I lost friends and came back to the hell I wanted to escape. My nightmares were worse. I'd wake up crying, shaking and checking to make sure it wasn't real. Dreams of slitting my wrists. They had me on medication that made me wanna die. No change in me upping the dosage,made the thoughts worse. So they put me on another pill. That one made it impossible to sleep. So they put me on a new one. That made it worse too. Nothing worked. They put me on another one. I felt a little different but not the way I should. More like made it impossible to think. So I stopped taking them. I am currently unmedicated and feel the best I've felt in years.
Life wasn't easy after the hospital. I craved self harm more then ever. I was a mess. And I'd do anything to find a way to self harm. I got back into the habit of harming myself. It was so easy to be back there. But it didn't last long a trip back to the hospital more of my secrets spilled. More sleepless nights. But that didn't stop me either. I was right back to self harming months later. It's been an addiction. Something that I'll always fight with and maybe right now I'm clean but thoughts never stop.
