14, wow that was a year for me. I was so far into self hate that I never saw all the love around me. I spent so much time cutting open flesh and watching myself bleed. As if bleeding could rid my mind of it's toxic thoughts. And it worked for a while but like anything I needed more. More of it. Deeper cuts meant scars but it didn't mater any more because it was the only thing taking my pain away. I was drowning in self hatred and shedding blood that never needed to be shed. Every part of me wanted to die. And maybe I would of done it had I not had my sister. I felt so alone in the word so broken. And thats not a feeling I'd wish on my worst enemy. Through the years since I was 10 I had dealt with this pain and it escalated. The first cut I ever made was when I was 13. But it didn't stick then. It wasn't till I felt my world shatter and my heart break in a million pieces. The first time I picked up a blade that was the end. I was a goner after that. Every cut felt like a release that nothing else could give me. I started on my arms and moved to my hips. It felt like drowning but being saved all at the same time. It was bliss and pain. Never knew those went together. But they did. And I was hooked to the blade like a junkie hooked on heroin. Any time I felt my world shattering or I felt worthless or numb I looked to my trusty friend and it'd take it all away. Leave me in this almost high state. I found out a later that it's because pain releases endorphins and the rush of endorphins puts you in a happy high like state. So maybe I was like a junkie.
I was the type of girl that fed off of foolish dreams and lies of what love was supposed to feel like. I told myself the boy I was with was the one. Funny how it works like that. We were together for a long time foolishly telling each other we'd last. That maybe someday we'd have kids get married. But he had a mean streak and I didn't wanna cross it but I always did. I'm not very obedient never liked being told what to do. And man did he tear me down. Made me feel weak like I'd never survive without him. That's what I called love for almost a year. I couldn't wear certain things I wasn't allowed to talk to the guy that I'd later learn I was in love with. This guy tore my heart to pieces and when he left the only thing I had left was my blade. A month later I started dating someone else. Someone who tried to heal me but he himself was broken. And we only lasted 2 months because I was brought to the hospital and who wanted to date the girl who had been in a place like that.
