Two-Austin

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I MISS HER like a whole part of me is dead. Is gone. And I can't get a grip on the fact that she really is gone, that she really did leave. Gone back to her hometown in Oklahoma. While I'm stuck in New Zealand, more alone than I've ever felt. I want to follow her so badly, but I know I can't. I've always loved New Zealand, but it's just not the same without her. Nothing is as beautiful.

When she first told me about the move, we were standing in front of a restaurant. It was just a few days ago. I could sense immediately that something was wrong, and I kissed her...she started crying.

Her face was devastated as she spilled out the words, "I'm moving the day after tomorrow."

My stomach flipped over. Moving? Where could she move to on the island? She couldn't be going back to America, could she?

"Where to?" I asked her, trying to be strong.

"Back to Oklahoma."

I wanted to cry, right there in front of everyone, but somehow I managed to hold back and comfort her. Taking her into my arms, I didn't want her to see the tears forming in my eyes. My baby was leaving me. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Yesterday, the day the left, I accompanied her to the airport. I didn't want her to have to go through it alone, and I wanted to see her one last time, even if it meant getting up at three in the morning. I held her in my arms, kissing her, knowing that it would be our last kiss for a very long time. I told her I loved her. I promised her I would call.

And then she was gone. Swept away. On a plane that would let her off on the other side of the world. I watched her walk away, trying to make sure that I would remember her pink shorts and over-the-shoulder striped shirt forever. I wanted her back with me so dearly, but I also knew that she was gone. Maybe forever. As she was walking away, she glanced back at me. I fought hard to create a final mental image of her beautiful face that would stick with me as long as I would need it.

Then she turned the corner, and my gorgeous girl was on her way, away from me.

She called from the New York airport yesterday. We had a good talk, but with every word she spoke, I grew more and more alone. A lump formed in my throat, and when we hung up, I lay on n bed for two hours, crying. I missed her more than words could express.

Lexi. My goodbyes are still hanging on my lips.

•••

I'm laying in bed, after having a restless sleep last night. My mom has tried to get me out of bed, but I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. It doesn't seem like I even can do anything. All I can do is lay here. Write. Think about Lexi.

At about two in the afternoon, Mom knocks on my bedroom door.

"Honey, I made you some soup. Can I come in?"

I groan into my pillow. I don't want to eat. I might not even be able to. But my mom is worried about me.

"Sure," I moan, my voice muffled by the pillow.

She enters, setting the bowl on my bedside table, then sits on the edge of my bed, placing a hand on my back.

"You really miss her, don't you?" Mom voices.

I don't say anything. I can't say anything. I don't want to talk.

"I know how it feels."

No. She doesn't know how it feels. She married some crazy alcoholic man that ended up being abusive. He was my father. And I spent the first six years of my life, hiding away from my dad with me mom. She's always been there for me. And when she decided she'd enough, she and I packed up and moved from California to New Zealand, and we've been there ever since.

"You might feel better if you just get up, Austin," Mom says.

I just groan again. The only sound that could rouse me is the sound of Lexi's voice, and who knows when I'll hear that again. I feel the tears forming and try to force them away.

"I'm sorry, honey. I love you."

I nod into my pillow to let Mom know that I love her, too.

"I'll leave you alone now," she tells me to my relief, then backs out of the room.

I start to cry again. I'm not a crier at all, and in fact, I don't remember the last time I cried before yesterday. But this feeling is too much.

I go to bed early, only at seven, and lay awake for hours, not able to get Lexi from my mind. And once I do finally fall asleep, I wake up every other hour, only to repeat the cycle.

My mom comes into my room at lunch, only to find me sleeping. When she tries to wake me up, all I do is ignore her. And somehow, I don't feel guilty.

•••

The next day, Mom manages to wake me and tells me that I am going to the beach with my friends.

"I'm tired of watching you lay around and mope all day. You don't have a choice-you're going. I set it up for you because I knew you'd say no."

So I drift through the day, showing up a the beach in my swimsuit to meet my friends Sam and Blake, who are also from America. I try my best to interact with them, though my mind is constantly on Lexi. And everything reminds me of her: the ocean waves, the sand, the mountains, the smell. Everything.

Then I resolve back into my state of loneliness, wondering if I'll be like this my whole life.

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