Not Another Summer Love Story

Chapter 29 - Anchored

Once I'd wondered what it felt like to be in love. It wasn't something you could just know. It wasn't necessarily sunshine, butterflies or warmth. The person you were in love with wasn't your drive, and you weren't dependent on them.

No, it was different. It was appreciating someone, it was the underlying desire to see them happy. It was being physically and chemically attracted to them, in ways you couldn't quite understand. It was something you needed to figure out, and something that wasn't life binding. But still, it was something that was risky. Loving someone was a risk, but once you actually discovered that you did love someone, you began to consider that maybe love was worth the risk.

I didn't know if I loved him. Because, like I said, love wasn't something you just knew. No, love was much broader than that, and now I understood. It wasn't black and white, it was every shade in between. You didn't have to have all the symptoms for it to be there.

The realisation that I could have been developing a love for Alastair this whole summer made me feel giddy. It made me feel excited, and hopeless, and guilty. Because he wasn't the only one I'd developed something with this summer.

I didn't expect to see him on the pale morning waves teasing the shore. No, this territory was at a stalemate, neither of us daring to occupy it in the risk of running into the other. I was the one to wave the white flag in the form of a text message.

Logan didn't take long to find me at my reading spot. He looked weary, his board tucked under one arm and his expression distant. "What do you want?"

"I want to apologise," I said, not surprised by his hostile reaction. If anyone was good at holding grudges, it was Logan.

His sky blue eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to apologise now? I'm leaving in a few days, you know."

"So am I." I smiled slightly, surprised at how calm I was able to feel in front of him. In a way, I'd made peace with my position with Logan. We'd tried, even if it was for the wrong motives, and we were just too different. He was too reluctant to sacrifice his ego, and I was driven by a promise to somebody else. "My motives with us weren't right, Logan. And I know that doesn't make up for wasting your time this summer, but at the same time, you screwed me around a bit too."

I was relieved when the corner of his lips raised in a half smile. "Not literally though."

A blush crept over my cheekbones. "Not literally."

Logan sighed, and lowered onto the sand beside me, in a way that was eerily similar to the way I'd joined Alastair on the secluded beach days prior. "I know it wasn't all you, Vally. But that doesn't excuse it. You know how long it took us to stop putting on the bullshit we've always guarded ourselves with. We had one chance, and it didn't work out. Maybe we were never meant to trust each other."

"Maybe," I murmured. He'd make a good lawyer, really, he was so good at observing relationships between people and events that followed. He could persuade people, and he could stand his ground when he needed to. 

"I didn't mean to be so mad. I screwed up countless times. I mean, if you'd known some of the things I said to the guys, you'd be even more pissed than I was..."

"I don't want to know, then," I said, trying to laugh that comment off. I definitely didn't want to know. We were putting this behind us, the last thing I needed was more things to stew over.

"You know, I think my reaction probably told you already, but I really did want it to work out, Valerie. But then there was a part of me that was so scared something would screw it up, that when I had the chance, I ended it on my terms," he continued. In that moment, Logan had never seemed so willing to admit his faults, and I realised that maybe something had changed in both of us this summer.