Twist and Shout

Chapter 11

Probably Less
-
There was a knock at the door and Dean jumped, sitting up in the chair. He hadn't realized that he had fallen asleep. He stayed up most nights, watching Cas, hoping that maybe if he looked at him hard enough that he would get at least one more day. Dean tried not to get his hopes up. He rubbed at his eyes and looked back toward the door. Tessa was pushing it open, her smile turning into a frown.
"Did I wake you?"

"It's okay," Dean laughed softly, looking back to Cas to make sure that he was still sleeping. It was getting harder to wake him up, and Dean didn't know what the reason was; maybe it was because he was getting so close. He shook his head, rubbing his hand down his face; he didn't want to think about that.
"I just came to check up on him," she smiled and moved toward him, checking Cas' IV and his oxygen. Dean leaned back in the chair and watched Cas as he slept, watched when Tessa smoothed her hand across his forehead in a loving gesture. He knew that Cas meant so much to her, that the two of them had grown incredibly close during his time here.
"He would talk about you like you hung the moon," she laughed softly, looking up at Dean as she straightened out the blanket on Cas' bed, pulling it closer to his chest. "And he never spoke bad about you. You mean so much to him, Dean."
"I know," Dean leaned forward and smoothed his fingers over the back of Cas' hand where it sat on the bed, his fingers twitching against the blanket as he dreamed.
"He's something else. You try to shake him and he sticks in the back of your head.," Dean laughed and shook his head, thumb tracing over the knob of his wrist, more pronounced than he remembered. Tessa pulled her sweater around herself and rocked on her heels.
"Even after everything that he's been through, he still talked about you like you were his world."
She sat down in the opposite chair, groaning slightly, exhausted from her shift.. She smiled, reaching over to adjust the strap of the mask against Cas' cheek, straightening it out and smoothing it down.
"I wish I could have known him before this."
"It would've been nice for him to have a friend like you, so he wouldn't have had to put up with me all day," he said to himself, and Cas stirred on the bed, but he didn't wake up. " God knows I wasn't much of one sometimes." Dean's voice dropped, a hush in the room, "You know - it's so easy to forget how much we'd fight." Dean rubbed his own forehead, legs splayed in the chair, back aching. "."We used to get so mad at each other; I knew exactly what buttons to press, and now it seems like wasted time."
"That's part of being in love with someone," Tessa said after a moment, staring at the wall just beyond Cas' head. "You fight them and you hurt them, but the whole time you're trying." She looked back at Dean "As long as you're willing to fight for them, it all balances out, I think.""
Another silence stretched.
"He talks about the beach a lot," Tessa continued, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. "I think that's a good memory for him. He talked about it most on the bad days."
Dean rubbed at his face. The beach. He could remember it so clearly, Cas in his boots and jacket, Dean in his red mackinaw. The way that the waves crashed against the shore and gulls cried above their heads; how Cas was so excited, and Dean had gotten it all on film. The way that Cas had told him that he loved him over the sound of the waves, shouting across the beach, grinning. He remembered how they shared a small bed in their hotel room, and how every time they moved, it groaned beneath them. The memories were so clear, like they had only happened just yesterday.
"We had fun," he managed, his voice tight with emotion when he spoke. His sadness melted into a laugh as he remembered, holding up his hands to gesture, " He had an absolute brick of a camera. This old 65' Polaroid I'd gotten for cheap at a pawn shop. I spent so much money on film for it, but I don't know what happened to the pictures."
"I'm sure he still has them," Tessa smiled again and brushed Cas' hair from his face.
"Yeah," Dean agreed.
Tessa hummed softly as he stroked her fingers through Cas' hair, Cas' chest rattling as he breathed, still deep in sleep.
"I've never seen another living human being love someone as much as he loves you," she whispered. "He was so certain you'd come; we tried to tell him not to have expectations but he was so sure. 'He'll come. Dean keeps his promises'." She pursed her lips. "I wanted to hate you. I wanted to be angry you'd left him, but it was impossible not to buy in to the person Cas describes when he talks about you."
"I wish he wouldn't," Dean said. "I wish he hadn't fought so hard; look where it landed him."
"He's tough," Tessa added, eyes soft. " We didn't think he would make it this long, you know. But, I think, he knew he had to wait for you.."
Dean squeezed Cas' warm fingers.. Cas had been holding out for him. The thought of it hurt more than he thought it should. That Cas had waited - and what if he had never come? Cas was just barely hanging on now, and it was all because of Dean.
"I don't understand why it has to be him," Dean said brokenly. "Why couldn't' it have been me? All those times - every time and I never bit it. Why him? He hasn't hurt anybody. He hasn't done anything to hurt anyone!"
"I wish I could tell you," Tessa whispered. He felt Cas' hand pull out from beneath his own, and then it was resting against the back of his wrist, fingers moving sluggishly.
"Dean...?"
Cas looked at him blearily, and Dean leaned forward taking Cas' hand and kissing his brittle fingers. He held his hand and smoothed it down Cas' arm, bumping over the IV and back again. Cas smiled, in a daze.
"Hey, baby" Dean said, "Everything's fine. Go back to sleep, okay?"
"We were just talking." Tessa added as she stood and leaned over the bed to smile at him. "But I should be going. I have other patients to check on."
Cas nodded and smiled at her.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Cas."
Tessa left and Cas turned back to Dean, thin fingers ghosting over his wrist. He looked like he was getting thinner by the day, but Dean tried to ignore the fact. Instead he focused on the way that Cas moved his fingers over his skin, the way that he curled his fingers around his hand, blunt nails digging into the flesh of his palm. He was still Cas. He was still his Cas.
"What...were...you...talking about?" The last words came out in a rush, like he was trying to get them to come out as fast as he could.
"You." Dean smiled and rubbed his thumb along the back of Cas' hand, and Cas breathed a short laugh. "Tessa was telling you what a big mouth you are...like I didn't know that already."
Cas nodded and smiled, but he didn't say anything else for a moment. He just watched Dean, smiling shyly behind his mask, and for a moment Dean was thrown back to the first moment he had laid eyes on him. His hair was neat, combed back and styled, and his glasses were sitting straight on his face. His sweater was buttoned and his slacks were pressed, tie a little askew from the party, and the very first thing Dean had thought was he should go and fix it for him. Lean in to whisper into his ear and Cas would lean back, bringing their faces closer.
"I...love...you," Cas said suddenly, and Dean laughed. He laughed and rubbed at his eyes, unaware that he had even started crying again.
"God, Cas," he kissed his fingers, his wrist. "I love you too."
The words still felt so foreign on his tongue. He had gone so many years without saying them, and he didn't think that he would be able to ever use them again. But Cas was here, and he was looking at Dean like the first time that Dean had ever said those words to him.
"I'm... tired," he mumbled after a long while, pulling his hand away from Dean's to gently touch his face. Dean held his hand against his cheek, turning his face to kiss his palm.
"Okay," Dean assured, watching his eyes slip shut. "I'll see you in the morning."
Cas nodded and dropped his hand, turning his face back against the pillow.
Cas fell asleep shortly after that, and Dean scratched at his hair before leaning back in the chair, trying to sleep himself. He was woken up a few hours later by a soft sound.
"What is it?" he said, blinking blearily around. Cas was staring at him, his eyes huge.
"...it's you..." he whispered.
Dean's brow furrowed. He sat forward, scraping the chair on the tile to bring it closer.
"...it's you..." Cas repeated and Dean brushed the hair from his face.
"What's wrong?"
Cas' eyes were cloudy and his face was confused.
"...you're home...?" he slurred, "when...when? I wasn't...I wasn't paying attention..."
Dean didn't understand.
"Cas, what are you talking about?"
Cas looked at the far wall, moving his hands listlessly, his eyes closing.
"...I wasn't paying attention..."
He fell back asleep and Dean watched him for a long time, concerned, searching his face. He rubbed his eyes and sat up as long as he could, but eventually he couldn't fight it anymore. When he woke next it was morning; the sun was coming through the blinds and scattering across Cas' bed. Cas was awake, looking out the window; as Dean grew more awake, twisting his stiff neck, he could see that the blinds were pulled up halfway. He waited a moment before getting Cas' attention, unsettled from last night's sudden conversation. Cas stayed fixated on the outside, the sky a bright blue.
Dean wondered what to say.
"Morning," he said, finally, and Cas turned to him, smiling faintly. Dean shifted, his legs aching, "So, did you have a bad dream last night?"
Cas tilted his head slightly on the pillow.
"Hmm?"
Dean looked at his face: it was clear he didn't know what he was talking about.
"Must have been the medicine," Dean whispered to himself.
Cas stared blankly at him.
"Are you ok?" he asked, and Cas twitched a little.
"Oh..." he breathed, and then went back to looking out the window.
"We should go...to the beach...sometime," he said and Dean's face fell.
"What do you mean?"
"We should...we should go," he said, almost idly. Dean shook his head, touching Cas' hand, trying to get his attention. Cas' eyes were unfocused and bouncing around the room, rolling around in his head.
"Baby, we've gone. Don't you remember?"
He finally got Cas' eyes to stop moving, but when they landed on Dean they looked right through him.