The year of skinny pop and sugar free jello cups, we guzzled vitamin water and vodka
Toasting to high school and survival, complimenting each other's thigh gaps
Trying new diets we find on the Internet, menthol cigarettes, eating in front of a mirror, donating blood
Replacing meals with other practical hobbies like making flower crowns, or fainting
Wondering why I haven't had my period in months
Or why breakfast tastes like giving up
Watching America's Next Top Model like the gospel, hunching naked over an empty bowl of Cocoa Puffs because I only feel pretty when in hungry
If you are not recovering, you are dying
When I lost the weight my dad was so proud he started carrying my before and after photo in his wallet
So relieved he could stop worrying about me getting diabetes, he saw a program in the news about the epidemic of obesity said he's just so glad to see me finally taking care of myself
If you develop an eating disorder when you are thin to begin with, you go to the hospital
If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story
So when I evaporated of course everyone congratulated me on getting healthy
Girls at school who had never spoken to me before stopped me in the hallway to ask how I did it, I say I am sick, they say no you are an inspiration
So how could I not fall in love with my illness? With becoming the kind of silhouette people are supposed to fall in love with? Why would I ever want to stop being hungry when anorexia was the most interesting thing about me?
So how lucky it is now to be boring
The way not going to the hospital is boring
The way looking at an apple and seeing only an apple not 60 or half an hour of sit-ups
My story may not be as exciting as it used to, but at least there is nothing left to count
The calculator in my head finally stopped
I used to love the feeling of drinking water on an empty stomach waiting for the coolness to slip all the way down, not obsessed with being empty but afraid of being full
I used to feel proud when I was cold in a warm room
Now I am proud I have stopped seeking revenge on this body
This was the year of eating when I was hungry without punishing myself for it and I know that sounds ridiculous but that shit is hard
When I was little someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said, "small"
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts from your neighbourhood insomniac: spoken word poetry
PuisiThis is a collection of poems, my poems and poems I absolutely adore. As the title says, these are the thoughts of an insomniac (mostly) so you are more than welcome to comment if it's helped you or if you relate or simply if you think I could do b...
