Living In The Shadows

Chapter 2

5 Months ago

   They're fighting again. They're screaming and yelling towards each other, and even though I have my headphones on, I can still hear them loud and clear. I try not to pay attention to it but I can hear every word that comes out of their mouths.

   I'm in my bed, counting the days till Christmas. Even though my family doesn't have the best Christmas parties, I still look forward to the day that's supposed to be filled with joy and happiness. I have my calendar in front of me and I'm crossing out the days I forgot to cross out. When I finish crossing them out, I stand up and head over to my wall and hang the calendar. I stand there for a minutes before going back to my bed.

   I sit there looking at the door deciding wether I should go downstairs and do something before my mom throws something at my dad or my dad sends my mom flying across the room. I decided not to do anything because if I do, I'd be the one being thrown at an item or the one who will be flying across the room. Either way, they both sound pretty painful to me so I just stay there waiting for one of them to come into my room and take their anger out on me.

   When neither one of them comes in, I decide to go to my bathroom and take the sharpest item I have. My parents decided it would be a good idea to take all of my razors away so I don't cut any more, by they don't know that I keep sharp items all over my room. I bring the scissors to my bed and set it down and climb on the bed and stared at it. I contemplated wether I should do it or not.

The yelling and the screaming wasn't getting any better so I did it. I brought the razor up to my left arm and slice opened one of my fresh scars. The pain I feel goes all the way to my shoulder. I grip my sheets and winced but at the same time, I enjoy every second of it. I focus on the pain and forget about my parents fighting. I forget about the pain I feel inside every time my parents mentally abuse me. I forget about the people in school who bully me and make my life miserable. I forget about everything that surrounds me, it's just me and only me with my pain.

I look down and see blood sliding down my arm and staining my blue sheets. After I get used to the pain, I cut open another scar and everything starts all over again.

The thing about cutting, is that I don't do it to die. I do it to forget about everything that is hurting me. My plans for death is not dying this way, my plans are to die in peace. I don't want to feel pain, I don't want to feel the pain of dying. I won't die this way, not like this.

After no more blood comes out, I feel weak but I feel strong enough to go to the bathroom to clean the mess up. I wash the scissors and take the sheets off my bed and put them on my closet so no one sees it. I go back to my bed and lie down, by now my parents are not longer fighting and all I hear is the echo of silence. Before I fall asleep, my dad bolts into my room with sweat on his forehead and with a face that looks like he's about to murder someone.

I sit up quickly going up my bed as if my bed had a hole that could swallow me entirely. My dad takes small steps towards me 'till he's right next to my bed. He raises his hand and I expect him to hit me but instead he reaches out and grabs my arm. He brings it up to his face and when he sees the cuts, he almost goes insane. He drops my arm and gives me the deadly look I am already used to. "When are you going to stop doing this stupid shit? We do not have the money to take you to the hospital every time you decide you want attention and cut youself." He looks around my room and shakes his head before walking out the door.

   I just sit there and feel a tear slide down my cheek. I quickly wipe it off and walk over to my bathroom to shower. I strip off my clothes and climb the tub and turn on the water. When I feel the cold water touch my skin I don't move. I stay still feeling the ice cold water hitting me and making me shiver with every drop that hits me. I turn on the hot water and sit on the mat that's on the tub and I let myself just get wetter.

I take my shampoo and scrub my head hard enough that I feel a bit of pain starting to form. When I'm done with my hair, I scrub my body and I just let the water do it's job. I lean on the wall and close my eyes feeling the warm water wash out the shampoo and body wash. When I feel like I'm going to fall asleep, I turn off the water and lean on the wall again and I close my eyes and I just sit there, relaxed and calm.

When I wake up, I feel my body sticky and my hair crispy. I sit up straight and turn on the water to rinse the stickiness of my body. When I get out, I look in the mirror and see a dead Violet. My lips are white and dry and the color of my face is yellow with no blush. I have dark circles under my eyes trying to stay open. I look down my wrists and see my fresh cuts still open but no blood coming out of them. I open my drawer and take out two bandaids, not that they're going to make them feel better but I want to make sure no one sees them.

   I take the towel that's on the toilet seat and wrap it around my body tightly. I open the door and get out of the bathroom and go to my bed and sit on it. I stay there for a while until I decided to to lay down in my towel and close my eyes hearing the silence around my room. All I hear is birds chirping outside my window and the wind blowing the trees. Once again, I feel calm and there's nothing right now that can disturb this peace I'm feeling right now. I open my eyes and see the starts I glued up in the ceiling when I was eight. The sunset is bright and I start to see the stars glowing and when the moon has risen, it's just me and my stars.

   I get up and change into clean clothes and sit on the window and see the starts shinning bright and the moon glowing upon the earth. I rest my head in the window and close my eyes and I feel the wind blowing outside and the crickets singing. I hear the night sky until I zoned out and fall asleep.

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