dear alice.

IV. BROKE

People break. People shatter. People decay. Not necessarily in that order or all at once but it can be used to describe hopelessness. It can be used to describe when someone does something so unthinkable that it doesn't just hurt them, it hurts everyone around them. It breaks them. It shatters them while the other decays. Alice did that to Grace and a person can never forgive that.

The pain in Grace Terray's heart border lined a heart attack. She was hurting. Barely functioning on what little was left of her body's reserves. She didn't want to eat. In all honestly, she didn't want to breathe. She just hoped the pain meant something other than heartbreak.

It has been 16 hours, 27 minutes and 43 seconds since the news was broken to her over the glass coffee table in her living room. She thought by now the tears would have stopped, her eyes might have drooped down and closed but her body felt more alive than ever. Death made Grace realize how fast her heart beat and how much breath was wasted. She should have said something to her. She should have reminded her how much she meant to her and how special their time was together.

Grace didn't though. For she feared so much in the world that in the end all those extremities would add up until it consumed her.

Alice was somewhat of a role model in Grace's life. Others may not have seen it but there was something about the black haired girl that said leader and those willing to get close enough would follow. For a long time, Grace did just that. Like a Sheppard and Sheep, the two girls began to grow close until all that fell apart.

"Gamophobia."

"Fear of commitment. Ah can be excessive, persistent, uncontrollable and irrational fear of marriage," Grace answered flipping through the pages of a textbook.

Alice sighed closing her book. "It's like ten can we stop studying?"

"No, give me another one."

"Castor-phobia," she grinned.

Grace looked up from her book and narrowed her eyes at the grinning girl. They had agreed to never bring him up again but someone had other thoughts. Her eyes fell back to her book, shaking her head.

"Come ooon. We have to talk about it someday," she said.

"Yeah and today's not that day."

"No day is ever that day Grace. What if I slip the word into him, all casually say 'Yeah that Grace chic, total catch don't you think? You know what, you should totally ask her out'," Alice smiled, even more, using her hands to make gestures at Grace.

"Don't you dare," Grace chuckled still not looking at her friend.

"He's online let's add him to the-"

"No."

Grace never hit decline faster in her life. Of course Alice meant well but the idea of a relationship made her sick. Alarms rang in her head and she couldn't focus. She had closed her laptop eliminating any chance of Alice calling back and sat back in her chair. There the voices played up again, calling her name and dragging her down. It was a long night but not as long as this night.

She sighed rubbing her tired eyes and running another hand through her tangled coffee coloured hair.

"Gamophobia... excessive, persistent, uncontrollable and irrational fear of marriage or commitment," she mumbled to herself.

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Grace Terray is afraid of forever. She has Gamophobia."

Grace looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes bloodshot, bags sat under those and the same clothes from yesterday adorned her body. She was a mess.

"Alice-phobia."

"Alice-phobia... an irrational fear of the unthinkable and imaginable happening while everything seemed fine."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Alice is dead."

Grace took her head into her hands and gripped her hair pulling tightly. She couldn't have her mind wandering so much. Talking to herself meant insanity. Grace wasn't insane. Although, Alice brought her close to it. She let out a loud groan, throwing her hands by her side in frustration.

Who was she angry at? Herself? Yes. Alice? Yes. Castor? Perhaps. Life in general? Yes. She was angry at the world and all its pretty things. Death had an element to it that was beautiful but Grace couldn't see that. She saw it as an evil that took away a girl too young. An evil that took away her best friend.

It was late, past any chance of falling asleep. Alice had her head in Grace's lap staring up at the stars. They couldn't sleep, having the day's recent events keep their minds buzzing.

"I hate boys sometimes," Alice muttered, eyes flickering from one star to another. "Especially hollow head."

"Tell me about it," Grace sighed.

"Hallows had no right to say those things and yet he said it. Give me a book and a pen and I'll throw it at him."

"Aim for his eyes please."

"I think it would do something for his complexion. I mean he's hardly a pretty thing to look at," Grace laughed at this. "You don't believe him right?"

She grew quiet. It's not that she did but his words had thrown some doubt in her mind and it hurt. Deep down it hurt. Grace pinned herself as someone who could take a punch, metaphorically speaking of course. This, however, was a low blow and had taken her off guard.

"He's wrong. Whatever you think isn't true. What he said isn't true. Okay?"

Grace only nodded in response.

"Look there's Gemini!" Alice pointed at the U-shaped constellation in the sky.

"What relevance does that have to-"

"Castor's in it."

"Oh go to hell, Alice."

Grace found herself sticking her head out her window, searching the sky for the only constellation she knew. Gemini sat glowing against the black night as one of the brightest set of stars out there. It calmed her knowing its presence was there and somehow only a few stars to the left, Grace knew it was Alice. Its twinkle wasn't pulsating like others, it just barely flickered. She stood alone but close enough to watch the heavenly twins play.

"I see you, Alice," Grace murmured to the sky.

People break. People shatter. People decay. Grace broke. Grace shattered. Alice decays. Not necessarily in that order or all at once but it happened.