A Beautiful Disaster

6~Me

February 5, 2016

I once had nightmares
Those that I can still remember.
But as I learned to pray
Those nightmares released me
And dreams was what filled my mind.

I wasn't afraid of these so called demons
I believed in Christ and that's what all I had
Faith, hope, love, happiness
Positivity was what I had

I look at the brightest of things
Even in the darkest of nights
It gave me the creeps
To be surrounded by darkness
But I knew God was there for me
I knew he'd always be there
Whatever happens
I knew he'll never give up on me.

But then as time comes
Darkness slowly comes to me once more
Darkness, evil darkness

I used to love how it was dark, but not pitch black, only the dark night sky
The wonderful bright stars are what can be seen
I loved the sight.

But as I take a step closer
To the top of the mountain
I was climbing for days, weeks, months, years
Darkness comes back for revenge
Oh believe me, I fought, I never gave up
I never thought of it
At least that was what I thought of
Because after years of more struggle
pain hitting me in the chest
and truth hitting me in the face
Slowly, I lost faith.

I cursed for what a crappy life I had
Of how LOVELY
I was already experiencing.

I wrote every single thing
I had in my mind
on just a piece of paper
each day I'd do this
having negative thoughts.

As I reread all these,
starting with my first note.
Oh how happy I was back then.
How bubbly of a person I was
when I was younger.
But what happened?
I turned into a person
who hides behind a mask
Behind a fake smile.
A fake laugh
A fake me.

I didn't like it at all
That I was thinking negativity
I never thought I would even think
of those things back then
But I did.

I failed my word to God
That I will never lose faith in him
But what was happening?
My faith was slowly fading
Faith in everyone and everything
I didn't even have faith
in myself anymore.

I even thought of running away
Would that help?
Well, I thought it was
but at the same time
I thought it wasn't.
I was just 11 years old back then
Or was I 10?

I still survived
And as I grew
more struggles were to be faced
by me.

I cried, silently I did.
When I know it's clear

No one around me
to see the tears
that were to fall down my cheeks
that's where I'll sob
and let the tears
I tried holding back
out.

I let them fall
as I feel every strike of pain
through my beating heart.
At that time
it was still beating
Slowly and loudly beating.

Oh how you didn't know
how much I wanted
my wish to be granted.

It was a wish I would always have.

I wish for Death.

Death upon a star... Lovely, right?

How much I wished
for death to come
all of a sudden
for lil ole me.

I know you're asking
why would I wish such a thing
Oh dear, I've been hurting
And I couldn't take it anymore
That my bottle was about to explode
That bottle where I keep these emotions
Bottled inside
I'd rather keep them
for myself
than have others judge me.

I've been getting crazy lately
demons were controlling me dear
I didn't know what to do
but no other than to let the bitter,
salty tears stream down my face.

I was afraid
I cried
and I was getting crazy
I might just scare you away
when you'd see me that way

But don't worry dear
I'm perfectly fine now.
I'm perfectly fine.

I feel numb and souless.

I feel dark and negative
In everything.

Tears?
I don't even know
if they exist with me anymore.

Laughter?
Oh I have those.
Those dark laughs I had
inside my head and around me.
They soothed me.

Smiles?
Oh dear, are you crazy?
I don't have those my dear.

Happiness?
Oh gosh dear
You just don't get it don't you?
Happiness doesn't exist in my world.

Now there's no need to worry.
I hate looks of pity.

I promise you, I'm perfectly fine...

Perfectly Fine indeed.

-Kimberly