February 5, 2016
I once had nightmares
Those that I can still remember.
But as I learned to pray
Those nightmares released me
And dreams was what filled my mind.I wasn't afraid of these so called demons
I believed in Christ and that's what all I had
Faith, hope, love, happiness
Positivity was what I hadI look at the brightest of things
Even in the darkest of nights
It gave me the creeps
To be surrounded by darkness
But I knew God was there for me
I knew he'd always be there
Whatever happens
I knew he'll never give up on me.But then as time comes
Darkness slowly comes to me once more
Darkness, evil darknessI used to love how it was dark, but not pitch black, only the dark night sky
The wonderful bright stars are what can be seen
I loved the sight.But as I take a step closer
To the top of the mountain
I was climbing for days, weeks, months, years
Darkness comes back for revenge
Oh believe me, I fought, I never gave up
I never thought of it
At least that was what I thought of
Because after years of more struggle
pain hitting me in the chest
and truth hitting me in the face
Slowly, I lost faith.I cursed for what a crappy life I had
Of how LOVELY
I was already experiencing.I wrote every single thing
I had in my mind
on just a piece of paper
each day I'd do this
having negative thoughts.As I reread all these,
starting with my first note.
Oh how happy I was back then.
How bubbly of a person I was
when I was younger.
But what happened?
I turned into a person
who hides behind a mask
Behind a fake smile.
A fake laugh
A fake me.I didn't like it at all
That I was thinking negativity
I never thought I would even think
of those things back then
But I did.I failed my word to God
That I will never lose faith in him
But what was happening?
My faith was slowly fading
Faith in everyone and everything
I didn't even have faith
in myself anymore.I even thought of running away
Would that help?
Well, I thought it was
but at the same time
I thought it wasn't.
I was just 11 years old back then
Or was I 10?I still survived
And as I grew
more struggles were to be faced
by me.I cried, silently I did.
When I know it's clearNo one around me
to see the tears
that were to fall down my cheeks
that's where I'll sob
and let the tears
I tried holding back
out.I let them fall
as I feel every strike of pain
through my beating heart.
At that time
it was still beating
Slowly and loudly beating.Oh how you didn't know
how much I wanted
my wish to be granted.It was a wish I would always have.
I wish for Death.
Death upon a star... Lovely, right?
How much I wished
for death to come
all of a sudden
for lil ole me.I know you're asking
why would I wish such a thing
Oh dear, I've been hurting
And I couldn't take it anymore
That my bottle was about to explode
That bottle where I keep these emotions
Bottled inside
I'd rather keep them
for myself
than have others judge me.I've been getting crazy lately
demons were controlling me dear
I didn't know what to do
but no other than to let the bitter,
salty tears stream down my face.I was afraid
I cried
and I was getting crazy
I might just scare you away
when you'd see me that wayBut don't worry dear
I'm perfectly fine now.
I'm perfectly fine.I feel numb and souless.
I feel dark and negative
In everything.Tears?
I don't even know
if they exist with me anymore.Laughter?
Oh I have those.
Those dark laughs I had
inside my head and around me.
They soothed me.Smiles?
Oh dear, are you crazy?
I don't have those my dear.Happiness?
Oh gosh dear
You just don't get it don't you?
Happiness doesn't exist in my world.Now there's no need to worry.
I hate looks of pity.I promise you, I'm perfectly fine...
Perfectly Fine indeed.
-Kimberly

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A Beautiful Disaster
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