She'll Never Be My Mom || (n.j.)

Chapter 7

"Ready to go?" Dad asks me the next afternoon. Mom's birthday. I finished putting on my black dress that's sparkly and the bottom is frilly.

"Uh, yeah." I finish applying my eyeliner and then turn to Dad standing in the doorway. I gotta say, he looked pretty sharp.

"Alright. Let's go." I grab my phone and Dad and I are then on our way to the cemetery.

It was about a 45 minute drive and we just talked about Mom and all the amazing memories with her. Of course, Dad had more memories of her then I did, but I cherished the ones that I did have. When we pulled into the small, cramped parking lot, Dad took a deep breath.

"We've got this." I assure him. Dad just nods and we both get out of the car. I go around the back of it to where Dad is getting the flowers from the trunk. Whenever we visit, we give Mom pink roses. According to Dad, they were always her very favorite flowers. We put exactly the number of roses on her grave to the age she is turning. So this year, we're putting exactly thirty two  roses. To us, it's tradition. Once we get the flowers, Dad and I head through the cemetery gates. Mom's grave is right at the end of the front of the cemetery. Dad said that she was specifically put there so there'd be a place for him right next to her when it was his time. Dad and I got up to the headstone and it read:

Elizabeth Belle Jonas
1993-2019
R.I.P

It was shiny and all gray, with some copper detailing. Not that that was super important. I stood next to Dad as he said what he had to.

"Lizzie, I wanted to first start off my saying, Happy Birthday baby." He pauses and smiles, tears already creeping down his face.

"There isn't a day or hour that goes by where I don't think of you. Your radiant smile, beautiful green eyes, amazing attitude. I look at our daughter everyday and see you more and more as she gets older. God, I do not want her to grow up." He stifles a little laugh and looks me, smiling. I smile back and tuck some hair behind my ear.

"This past week has been rough for me. As it always is around this time of year. I'll never forget those last words I said to you, 'I believe in you baby.' When you were going through cancer, your attitude was always positive. I remember the way you'd smile whenever I would come and visit you. Always bringing you lunch. And how you'd always make our bed just the way you liked it, and I'd complain about the throw pillows. But now they're always on that bed everyday that I make it. Those little things are the things I really hold on to. Or that smile on your face when I first introduced myself to you." By now, Dad had kneeled down and silent tears were running down his face. I found myself crying at well. I wiped my eyes and when Dad was finished talking, it was my turn.

"Hey Mom, Happy Birthday." I start out and smile. Dad has his hands folded in front of him and is calmly watching me.

"I really miss you. Granted, I don't remember you all that well. I think the best memory I have of you was from the time Dad took me to see you at the hospital. I had no clue what was going on with you. I remember seeing all those machines and thinking, wow this is so cool. Of course, I was only five." Dad chuckled at that and I wipe away some stray tears before continuing.

"I just want to say, not a day goes by that I don't wonder what you were like. Dad tells me anything I want to know, and from what he's said, you sounded pretty awesome. I love you Mom." With that, I nod and Dad and I start putting roses by the stone.

"I'm proud of you honey." Dad says to me on the drive home.

"Why's that?" I question.

"For becoming the strong young woman you are. Not breaking down like me at the slightest mention of your mother."

"Thank you Dad, but you have a right. You're still grieving and you have a lot of memories with Mom. Yes I still grieve, but not as hard as you do. Because, there's really nothing for me to fall back on."

"Since when did you become an inspirational speaker?" Dad raised an eyebrow and looks at me. He turns the wheel and we pull into our driveway.

"Since like thirty seconds ago." I roll my eyes and hop out of the car.

"I love you kid." He pulls me into a side hug.

"I love you too Dad." I smile and we walk into the house.

"Order pizza?" I ask as I come from changing out of my dress and removing my makeup.

"Sure. Pepperoni?" Dad picks up his phone and dials Dominos number.

"You got it." I click my tongue and then go into the living room, plopping on Dad's recliner.

"My seat Missy." He comes in and raises his eyebrows at me.

"Sorry. It's mine now." I curl up in the chair and scrunch up my nose.

"Yeah, we'll see about that." He smirks and then starts tickling my sides.

"Daddyyyyy!!!" I squeal and get up out of the seat as fast as I can. Dad sits down in the chair and sighs.

"Psh lucky shot." I shrug it off and go sit on the couch. There's a framed picture of all of us in Florida in front of Universal Studios. Mom was holding onto me and Dad just had his hands in his pockets. I was reaching for him but the picture was taken before anyone could question. It was one of my favorites.