When It All Made Sense

Why I had to find myself first

"Do you think it will happen? You know, me finding someone to tolerate my quirks?"

"Nope, unlikely. I mean look at you, total weirdo."

"Uy, grabe ka! Maka-weird naman. Kababata mo ko, 17 years mo na akong pinag-tiyatiyagaan noh!"

Jeron, my bestfriend since kindergarten, laughed after I had affectionately pushed him after he called me a weirdo. We have always had this love-hate friendship thing going on, with the occasional light banter here and there. From what I can recall, I had always been the responsible, weird, shy kid whilst he was this ball of energy, fun and mischievous. Growing up, I became the silent achiever who attained her goals by playing by the rules while he became the deviant and adventurous one.

"Isipin mo naman kasi, why would any guy take interest in you eh sobrang tahimik mo, sobrang timid, laging kulong sa bahay, walang inatupag kundi magaral o mag-cello. Saan ka makakakilala ng lalaki niyan? Sa CR ng kwarto mo? Ni tapat nga ata ng gate niyo takot ka lumabas." 

Jeron, in spite of being the troublesome person that he was, I had to admit was my sole thread to any social life. Not that I didn't have any friends, but he was the only person who truly ever knew me. He, too, was the only person who ever had to guts to tell me what was wrong with me and what he loved about me.

"Grabe na talaga siya! Sorry ha, hindi ako gumigimik gabi-gabi o naggagala kahit may tambak na school load. Nakakahiya naman po sa inyo, perpekto kayo eh no!"

He laughed again. That sound, which as much as I hate to admit, made my days brighter than anything else in this world – even better than an uno in my ethnographic research paper or pistachio ice cream. " Syempre joke lang, Miks! I mean, meron naman siguro. May matitisod ka din diyan na magtitiyaga sa kabaliwan mo. Haha! Pero for the time being, pagtiyagaan mo muna itong best friend mo. Ako muna mahalin mo!"

" Ano naman mapapala ko sayo?" I asked in a teasing tone.

"At least ako hindi kita iiwan, at tanggap kita... kahit medyo tagilid ata utak mo. Haha!"

The teasing went on that afternoon, but along with the playful banter came the realization that Jeron was right: he was there for me through it all, and he loved me regardless of all my imperfections.

——————

That did not last long, though.

My stint as his girl bestfriend, his number one confidante and his ultimate bully buddy did not last come our second year in college. I noted his frequent lateness or absence in many of our scheduled late night village walks. I noticed the increasing number of times he took longer than necessary to reply to texts or DMs. I counted the times he had to pass on our weekly lunch talks. I saw how conscious he got about how he looked, how he acted and miraculously he even got concerned about his academic performance. All that I attributed to the fact that he started playing for the basketball varsity team and he had to work hard, be it in class or at the gym.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and though our houses are but 2 streets away from each other, I felt his absence more than ever, and that made me appreciate his presence in my life. Suddenly, I missed his 4:30am wake up calls which I did not even ask for. I missed his frequent bully texts reminding me to smile more and avoid wearing my oh-so favorite boyfriend jeans so that I would not scare guys within 10 meter radius. I longed for the bedtime calls when he asks me how my day went and how he enthusiastically shares how his went.