Ampersand

Ode to February

It's falling apart.
We're watching, sitting by the porch.
You pray for forgiveness.
I pray for blindness.
We blew the torch.

We had a fight.
I asked to rewind and you said it's impossible.
I think about it.
Your mind is too crowded.
Our friendship isn't dissolvable.

Is this it? I'm tired,
I need to conclude this bickering
– You need to get some distance –

Swimming on dire
nights, this is sickening
– closing curtains –

It falls apart.
The way everything does as of lately.
I carved your name on my hand.
You hold it – you did, another time –
But you're still the one thing I want to hold steady.

But you're still the one pool where I'd happily drown.
And will you be there to help me?
What's always in the way?
Why so scared?
Let's give it a try, might be worth it.

That's it? Everything I've been doing
Ever since December emptiness,
I've been doing it with the hope of you here.

Are you? I feel like I'm losing
what I've been fighting for restless,
and I'm way too deep in fear.

Is this it?