of fire and ash

Ghost

Perhaps Fate laid out your life for you

like a dress on a bed, 

and you could either wear it 

or go naked

- Laini Taylor 'Days of Blood and Starlight' 

Disguises come in all shapes and forms. Clothes, makeup, behaviours and personalities, speech and yes even masks. My disguise is not conspicuous. In fact it is the exact opposite. The very thing that most of us fear, I wear upon my face. Death. Skull and bones made of paint etched into the lines and make of my face. Ink over my entire body. People say that most disguises are just being fake, someone you're really not. Mine is a mask. A mask of paint and lies.

All disguises are lies. I cannot deny that. I admit it. Day in day out I walk the streets, looking at you, peering into your eyes. And I stare back . . . with my dead eyes and dead face. You look at me. I see into you. As I walk past you will never forget my mask, but you will never know my face. You look but you cannot see. You will never see. That is the beauty and the horror of my disguise.

A therapist would describe my need for absolute anonymity as childhood trauma. Where in fact it was my lack of. I have never had a family. Never had anyone be my friend. Never had any care about me. Always in the background. A shadow. A reflection. A space. A ghost. Hence why I gave myself that name.

At first it was hard for every human to stare upon me with absolute fear. It took a while but I realised that my face was what was really hiding inside me. You all walk around every day with a face that you have painted or plastered on. I also do. But my face is a far more accurate display of the human condition. How we feel day in, day out.

So I say to you. What is your mask? Do you wear paint like I do? Or do you walk the streets with those heavy eyes and sullen mouth? Whatever it is, make it a good one. Disguises are how most of us cope. It is how we have managed to not fall apart when we are around others.

There will come a day when your disguise is no longer needed. That day will be the day you find someone who wears the same mask as you do. Someone who understands to a degree your pain, your suffering, your reasons. You will love them. They will love you.

Promise me one thing. Just one. Never wear your mask in front of the person whom you love. I don't. Not anymore.

I am Ghost. I am burning. I am fire and I am ash. My disguise is dead. See me live.