And It Was Okay

New And Old Feelings

We walked out of the skating rink and Kellar touched my shoulder. "So?" He asked, "Was it as bad as you thought?"

I laughed. "Are you kidding? It was much worse. Did you see how much time I spent on the ground?"

"Hey," he elbowed me, "You did pretty good."

I rolled my eyes. We kept walking towards the campus. I had began to wish we had driven. The cold air stung my nose.

"Do you have any Christmas plans yet?" Kellar asked.

"No, my family has never really been consistent with traditions and things." I rubbed my un-gloved hands together. "What about you?"

Kellar shrugged. "I've got a pretty big family, and I'm the youngest of five kids, so with my family, it's hard to get everyone together. I mean, I think my uncle lives in Russia now, and my sister and her husband just moved to Nebraska. But, for the last few years I've been going over to my parents house and we watch Christmas movies."

I smiled up at him as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "That sounds nice." I thought about Emmit and how this would be the first Christmas without him. I winced.

I felt Kellar look down at me; and he didn't say anything. I was so grateful for that moment. That moment in which he understood but he didn't have to say so. In that moment when we were mutual.

"Hey," He smiled as we stepped onto the sidewalk that led to the main door of the campus. "I know a way to keep your hands warm." I reached down and laced his fingers between mine. "Better?"

My lips curled into a giddy smile. "Better."

Neither of us said anything the remainder of the way to my dorm. His hand was warm and I couldn't help but grin.

We reached my room and I expected Kellar to let go of my hand, but he didn't. "Thanks, Kellar, for uh, the skating."

He smiled like a little kid. "My pleasure." He kissed my hand and then let it go. "See you tomorrow, in the cafeteria?"

I nodded and stepped into my room and closed the door behind me.

What a babe.

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A few weeks later I sat in the cafeteria with Kellar, which had become a routine, and like most everything else about the fluffy haired dork, I liked it.

I scribbled things in my notebook between bite of my sandwich. He was people watching; not even in a creepy way. "Admiring God's handiwork," he would say.

I put down my pencil and looked at Kellar and I wondered. We talked a lot, and guess what, I liked it. Some people don't understand the importance of just talking, but Kellar did. We learned a lot about each other, and with every conversation we understood each other better.

"What do you miss most about your brother?" I asked him.

Kellar gave me a small smile. It was painful to think about, I know it was. "I think I miss his laugh the most. It was a quirky laugh, and it spread to everyone around him." He brushed his black hair from his eyes. "We used to have this stupid YouTube channel, Adam named it Bros-spill, and and we posted the most ridiculous things on it. I wish I could have him back, even if just to make one more episode for that dumb channel." He looked at the ceiling.

I put my hand on top of his. "I miss Emmit's eyes. His very green eyes."

"I've got to go," Kellar said. He stood up and adjusted his shirt. "See you later."

I nodded up at him. "Okay."

After Kellar left I gather up my things into my bag and walked back to my room. My roommate, Ashley wasn't there as usual. I sat on my bed and pulled my laptop onto my lap. After a while of searching I found Kellar and Adam's channel on YouTube.

I watched their videos for too long for someone who had things to do. I could see why Kellar, missed this kid's laugh. He had me snorting along to the dumb jokes.

There was a knock at the door. "Come in!"

Kellar came in and I smiled. "Hey."

"Hey, whatcha doing?" He sat down next to me and looked at my laptop. He sighed. "What are you doing?" He almost sounded angry.

"I was just watching your old videos."

Kellar rolled his eyes, "Yeah, that's obvious, Olivia. Why? These are personal, and I trusted you when I told you about it!" He stood up and put his hand over his face.

"Kellar-" I couldn't understand why he was so upset.

"No, just don't." His eyes hurt me like daggers. "Turn those videos off and don't watch them again." He walked out the door and slammed it shut.