And It Was Okay

Pain and and A Birthday

I kept my eyes on the ground while we walked. Something was wrong with Kellar today. His eyes lacked their usual shine and he was acting the way he had been in high-school. He hadn't waved at anyone on our walk, which was odd to me, becasue he was always overly kind to everyone. He wasn't talking as much, and that would have been okay, if it wasn't that I knew something was wrong.

"Kellar, are you okay?" I asked, squeezing his hand.

He shook his head. "You've asked me like, five times today, I'm fine Olivia."

He had been doing so good with being open about things, I wanted so badly to know what was wrong. "Y-you're not cutting again, are you, Kellar?"

He looked down at me and rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not...."

"Promise?"

He sighed. "Yes, I promise."

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you, okay? I want to help."

Kellar stopped walking. "Maybe there are some thing you can't fix Olivia, yeah you're my best friend, but you don't have to sit here and drill me like my mom."

Um. Ouch. I lifted my eyebrows. "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you."

Kellar flipped his hands. "Well don't be, okay. I told you, I'm fine."

We continued walking for a few minutes. "I think I'm just going to go to the library, okay?" Kellar stopped again.

"Oh," I said. "Okay. I'll see you later?" I tried to hard to hold myself together and not to cry. I turned around and walked back towards campus. Kellar wasn't going to the library. Of course, that was his natural habitat. But I had been with him, three days ago, when he picked out seven new books to read.

I hated that he was lying to me.

When I got back to my room I shed my coat and my bag as I looked at the flowery calendar on the wall. February second. I sat down on my wrinkled bed and was lost in thought. Nobody ever was especially mean to Kellar. We got teased a lot becasue the idea of two suicidal kids dating is apparently really funny, but we had talked about it, and it didn't really bother us.

I thought that maybe my dad had said something to him, but then I knew better than that. My parents adore Kellar.

I sat on my bed and tried to study for history, but I ended up watching an old tv show for two hours before my phone started ringing. It was Kellar's mom. Every thought crossed my mind as I answered the phone. "Hey, Mrs. Hodges."

"Hi, Olivia, how are you?"

"Good, how are you?"

"Good. Have you seen Kellar today?" She asked. She was worried about him too.

"Yeah," I answered slowly, "I was with him earlier, but he was acting strange, and he left." I pulled my brown hair from my face.

I could hear Mrs. Hodges sigh. "I figured he might be this way. Today is his brother Jacob's eighteenth birthday."

I covered my mouth and my eyes began to water. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hodges."

"Yes. I know." She began to cry. "Just let me know if you see him?"

I cried along with her and I couldn't stop, "Okay."

I sat my phone down and prayed for Kellar. In a way, I was upset for him keeping this from me, but I could also understand how he felt.

I laid down and rubbed my face, thinking about how things would be if Jacob had never died, and even if Emmit had never... died. I always thought what I would choose to do if I had the chance to save Emmit. I bet Kellar thought that way too.

I jumped up as someone knocked at the door. "Who is it?" I called.

"Kellar."

I let out a breath of relief and got up to unlock the door. I opened it and gently smiled up at him. "I'm really sorry, Kellar."

Before I could say anything else, Kellar swooped down and wrapped his arms tightly around me, tucking his head against mine. I didn't know if I should have said anything. So I didn't. I was perfectly content being held by Kellar.

He finally get go of my and held my hands. "My mom called you didn't she?" He whispered.

I shook my head. "I wish you would have told me. I can understand this stuff."

"Yeah. I know."

We sat on my bed. "So, is there something you usually do on his birthday?" I asked.

"Not really."

"Well," I said, "do you want to do something today?" I swallowed, "Like, my dad always buys a rose one his mom's birthday and takes it to his sister, and they spend the day together."

Kellar crossed his legs and shook his head. "No... I just want to appreciate you. You're amazing, and I don't deserve you, and I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you until I did."

My face fell and I started crying immediately. He didn't deserve me? I didn't deserve him. He was probably the most perfect person on the face of the earth. He lost his temper, but he apologized. He was thoughtful and fun. He had a beautiful soul.

"Olivia?" Kellar put his hands on my shoulders. "What's wrong."

I smiled at him through my tears. "Nothing... I'm just...completely and perfectly and incandescently happy." I kissed his cheek.

Kellar smiled bigger than I had seem him before. "Me too."

I laid my head on his shoulder. "No more secrets?" I asked.

"No more secrets."