Forever Second

005

(A/N - Okay, so. I always told myself I would never write a smut scene. But sometimes you can't predict the way your story will unfold. It's not graphic by any means, but I still feel the need to warn you that yes, there is one small scene including some--what I hope is tasteful--smut. Enjoy.)

Everything around me seemed to wash away in an instant. My heart sped up painfully, the steady sound of my blood pumping harder drummed in my ears. My body shook violently, making my knees feel like they were about to break under the stress. Tears flooded my eyes, obscuring my vision and snapping me back to reality. All throughout the room people were staring at me and whispering, pointing in my direction and shaking their heads. I was instantly the drunken joke of the party.

Yet I remained frozen. Slivers of icy pain shot through me as the tears started to fall. Out of nowhere, a stern hand pushed me from behind, guiding me out of the room into the crisp night air. Once I was out of sight from public humiliation, I bent over a railing and vomited. Struggling to breathe as wave after wave of nausea crashed into me. I sank to my knees and doubled over clutching my stomach, choking on snot and continuing to vomit until I had nothing left. I barely noticed the hand that was rubbing my back, or the voice that repeatedly told me it was going to be okay.

“I just want to go home.” My voice came out sounding like a child begging for its mother. I hoped that whoever was here with me knew where I lived; because I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to direct them. Secretly I knew if I was left on my own, I was more likely to accidentally fling myself into traffic, before I found my way home.

I felt two hands help me to me feet and steady me as I descended the stairs. I leaned against their body for support, not trusting my own to keep me upright. I kept going over the scene in my head, each time bringing a fresh wave of tears to my face. I didn’t know what I was upset about more, the fact that Dan was in some room where he was probably cheating on me with some unknown girl, or the fact that I had been about to do the same with Phil. Thank god he had had the mental capacity to stop me before I did. If he hadn’t, I would still be in that room, oblivious to what Dan was doing.

Guilt and anger filled the pit of my stomach and I dry heaved onto the pavement. I refused to open my eyes and face the world. Instead I let my salty tears and cheap mascara mingle until it stung. I didn’t want to see anyone and the more I held my eyes closed, the more I convinced myself no one could see me either. I was just another drunk girl at a party who left crying over some boy who didn’t love her. One more in a long line of girls for people to talk about until the next one came along.

I was placed gently into a cab and my companion muttered my address to the driver. As we pulled away from the curb, I brought my knees to my chest and kept myself in a tight ball the entire way home.

Home. Home felt like a joke to me now after the events of tonight. I had already decided that tomorrow I would be leaving. There was no way I was going to continue to stay there now and put myself at risk of becoming an even bigger joke. I was accomplished in the art of leaving, but this was the first time I felt justified in doing so. For me, leaving usually meant I had fucked up somehow and was just too much of a chicken shit to face the consequences. Not this time.

This time, for the first time, I had allowed someone into my heart and opened myself up to the pain I fought against feeling for so long. Hell, the last time I had cried had been the day I put my mother in the ground. I couldn’t stop the tears now. They cascaded down my face, soaking through the front of my flimsy dress. Everything I had held in since that day was spilling out of me and I didn’t have the strength to fight it off any longer. I deserved this. I didn’t know why, but I felt it strongly enough to believe it was the truth. Every piece of me cried out that this is what happens to people who try to be too strong for too long.