Everyday that goes past I realize this. I realize that you never know what you have until it's gone. The love, passion, the idea of them being there. The loneliness is overwhelming most days and others I feel so numb to the world I forget I'm apart of it.
Every time I see her face, or hear her name, it makes me wonder. It makes me think. It makes me think of all the good memories and low points that made is stronger. There are plenty of days when I feel like giving up. Many days I feel like staying in bed and pretend nothing exists. But then I hear her say that it's time to get up and be strong for her. Breath the breaths she can't take here. Listen to her voice and watch for her signals and signs.
She seems to be a pretty good guardian angel, guiding me in the direction I need to go. And God, I feel, uses her to do his work in me. Whenever something goes bad He sends her. When things are gonna work, she sends her to warn me before it's too late. There's not a night I don't miss her. Not a day that goes by that I don't see her radiant face in the sunlight shining down. I don't know why God took her home so early.
I wish I could have her back here so we could get married and start a family together. But He saw it for for her to come home. To be with Him in glory. I don't wish for her to return to this sin filled world, just for her to be with me to hug, to hold, and to forever cherish.
I wonder what everyone thinks of me for it. Me being here all alone and can't settle down or be with anyone. I wonder what people think when they look at me.
Do they see Matthew? Or do they see the guy who dated Becca? Do they see a guy who's torn down to pebbles of what he used to be, or some guy who is weird and acts like a dick? You see this is how I feel.
Physically, I'm not the most fit person but I can play for a short time. I can run around and do things with people. Kids and small children. I can still play around with my boy Canaan. Emotionally, I'm broken. I'm broken to the point I don't know what'll happen next. I can't see my next step in life. I feel we were meant to be but just not in this life. I torn down and scarred deeply.
I don't care what most people think when it comes to certain things but as a person I wanna know. I want everyone to understand that I may smile and I may laugh and cut up but that's just to keep from crying 24/7.
No one can understand the pain I'm going thru they can attempt to imagine the pain of losing a girlfriend, a wife, and girl who was gonna be the mother of your children. No one realizes the things I do.
I've been to the deepest corners or mental torture. Emotional battles. I've battled the thoughts of suicide and self harm. There's days I wanted to just say I'm done and end it. Then again she comes to mind and says I wanna see you someday and forever. So I put down the tool of death and continue on my torturous daily life.
My life could be worse physically but mentally and emotionally I don't see much difference. The things I see in her eyes in pictures and in dreams is love. Love, compassion, and just purity.
A picture of her can bring me to tears. For several reasons but looking into her eyes, I see the love that fuels a fire. I won't find anyone else like her. But I do hope I find someone who can get close as she was. It would be nice.
