Fantasy Or Reality?

Chapter 1: Me

My name is April Anderson, and I have schizophrenia. It means I may see and hear things that aren't there, act apathetic, lose everyday motivation, etc.  (It has a lot of negative stigma around it.)  Specifically, I have schizoaffective disorder. (It consists of Schizophrenia and a major mood disorder. Mine is depression.) I used to be just like everyone else. I developed this after I became a teenager and was diagnosed about 6 months ago. Every day I became more and more like a different person, much to everyone's dismay. I started feeling distant from my old life, I stopped taking care of myself, I started acting out, I stopped caring about my grades and homework...who have I become? Where is the girl that used to be so kind and full of life? The girl that I know is somewhere lost inside me? This is the question that everyone I know has been asking themselves...including me. 

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I woke up to an annoying beep. 'Ugh,' I thought as I shut off my alarm clock. 'Time for another day of Hell.' I got up and got dressed and ready for school. I couldn't care less about how I looked anymore, but my mom insisted I look somewhat presentable. I got on the bus and sat alone, staring out the window. As people talked and shouted, I kept to myself, trying to ignore them. "Finally..." I muttered when the bus pulled up to the school. As I made my way off the bus, I came into contact with the cement. I look up to see a blond boy staring back at me with his cold grey eyes. Zac Stone...great. "Oh, my bad, psycho. Didn't see you there," Zac and his idiot sidekicks snickered. They think they're freaking hilarious. "Shouldn't you be off making a scene? Telling people about things you 'see'?" I gritted my teeth. He's not worth it. I stormed away as Zac pretended to be me having an "episode" while his loser friends howled with laughter. I hastily try to get to class, ignoring the pain and blood from the fall.

I keep moving and walk to my locker as I watched groups of friends talk and laugh with each other. I wish I could be like them, but my brain tells me that I never will be. I grab my books and things and silently walk on into my homeroom class. The bell hasn't rung yet so all the kids were running around and gossiping and who knows what else. I quietly took my seat and waited for the bell to ring. During this period of silence, I saw my teacher look at me with a slightly pitiful expression out of the corner of my eye like she felt bad for me. When I glanced at her, she quickly looked back down and kept reading her book. I let out a small sigh. Not only are most people ignoring me, but now the ones that actually notice me just feel bad for me. Great. *riing* "Okay, class," the teacher said trying to get the attention of the students, "the bell has rung, please take your seats."

I wish that was all that happened. As usual, people slowly moved their way to their seats while still talking with their friends. What if they're talking about me? 'What's her problem?' 'Why has she been acting so weird?' 'Where's the girl we knew in elementary school?' Even if they aren't, I can't help but think their conversations are about me. I know that sounds selfish, but I feel like they glance at me with their brooding eyes every time they make a comment and laugh. Why can't I just be normal? We took attendance, said the pledge of allegiance as usual, then were dismissed to first period.

I walked into my first and favorite class of the day...gym. I don't like school in general anymore, obviously, but gym is definitely the worst. All the teachers do is yell at me or patronize me. Did I deserve the yelling? Sort of. They actually want everyone to put effort into the sports we play, but I never cared enough to listen. They would always get upset with me for standing there and not trying, but trust me, I couldn't care less. Eventually, they were informed of my condition, and starting treating me like I couldn't do anything for myself. I can't stand the pity. Eventually, they started letting me walk on the track. I liked that better because I didn't have to put much effort into that and I could be alone with my thoughts. Other kids would walk on the track too, but we all kept our distance most of the time. Either that, or they knew to leave me alone. Of course, when I get "special help" from teachers, I also get more attention from the other kids. It is the worst kind of attention someone could get. Some people get jealous, this annoys me because I actually need the accommodations, while others inform them why I do and try to pity me, but I hate that too. As I walk along the track, I try to mind my own business, but I always get obvious stares, whispers, and even glares. I don't know if people don't get it, or if they're really that heartless. As I sulk around the track after what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rings and we all go inside and get on with our day.

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The rest of the day was the same as always. I sit alone, the teacher tries to get me to meet and talk with people, I refuse, and people stare and whisper the whole time. Fortunately, I found a seat alone in the front of the bus before Stone got on. If I sit in the front, then he can't trip me when I try to get off at my stop. That's something, right? It's as close to relief as I'm going to get in this living nightmare. When Zac gets on the bus, I'm surprised, he goes to find a seat with only a quick glance at me. He looked...guilty. What's the world come to? He doesn't say anything the whole ride and, for once, I'm not as miserable. I get off the bus, and still nothing from Zac but a half apologetic, half annoyed look. When I get home, my mom is already there inside. She nervously asks how my day was and I mutter a "Fine" as I throw my backpack down and retreat to my room. I should be doing my homework, but why bother? I lie down and play some video games and read. I don't bother to turn on the lights. Eventually it gets time for me to go to bed so I attempt to get some sleep. My mind is racing, but I manage to finally nod off.