Behind Closed Hearts

Chapter 21

James exhaled slowly, watching Jordan turn his head up to stare at the sky above. He contemplated for a moment that only lasted seconds before he blurted, "I'll tell you."

He didn't mean to say it, he really hadn't, but now he was staring at him with wide eyes. Jordan gaped at him and asked, "Tell me what?"

James looked away, swallowed thickly, and ruffled his black hair over his eyes. What should he tell him? What should he say?

Panic seared up through his veins and he forced himself to think clearly. He couldn't tell him about his home life; there was too much at stake. But he wanted to, he had to, tell him something. He was tired of being alone.

With an overwhelmed sigh, James stood and made his way back to his swing and sat down warily. Jordan followed but watched him with a guarded look on his face. "You won't tell anyone?" James asked, tilting his head to look at him.

He sat down on the swing next to James, biting his lip, before looking up at him. "How can I promise that? What if it's really bad?"

James moved his swing lightly back and forth as a distraction. "You have to promise, or I won't tell you."

Jordan fidgeted, moving his fingers along the chains of the swing. He was frowning, clearly conflicted. "But-"

"You gotta promise."

He sighed but nodded. "Fine, I promise."

James dug his feet into the wood chips, stopping his swing completely and looked down into his lap. He gripped the chains hard, feeling slightly sick about what he was about to tell him.

"I tried to kill myself today," he murmured. As soon as he said it, terror shot threw him. What would Jordan think of him now? Would he think he was a coward, taking the easy way out? He looked up at him, terrified.

Jordan shook his head, frowning. "What did you say?"

"Do I have to say it again?" James practically pleaded.

He blinked several times and looked away. "I don't know if I heard you right. Did you just say you almost killed yourself?"

There was pause where no one breathed. James looked up at him and his eyes snapped to his, and they were frozen. The reality of what could have happened that day slammed down upon them. James couldn't take it anymore, so he looked away first.

"What the hell, James?!" He cried.

James flinched hard; he knew this would happen. Why did he have to tell him? Now he would only pity him and he would...

"Do you realize what could have happened?" He said. Jordan was standing in front of him now.

James hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "I know how you guys would feel and I know that it would hurt Aleks and I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to... to..." he trailed off, pressing his face into his hands.

The air was quiet around them, still warm with fresh spring air. There was crunch in the wood chips and James flinched when he felt a light touch to his knees. "James..," Jordan said softly.

He looked up through his lidded eyes at his friend. He was kneeling in front of his swing with his arms draped lightly over his knees, peering up at him. "James, this is not about everyone else and their feelings. This is about you. You've got to think about yourself and your future and your happiness."

Jordan's face was fierce and full of determination. "Are you going to tell me why you...?"

James shook his head. "No," he whispered. "I can't."

He nodded and took James' hand. "That's fair. It's okay."

"Don't pity me," James said, jerking his hand away. He stood shakily, knocking his arms off his lap, and he paced away a few feet. "Why did I even tell you?"

"Because I'm your friend, whether you like it or not," Jordan said.

James heard a rustling from behind and he turned to look at him in curiosity. Jordan had dug his phone out of his pocket and it glowed against his face as he typed into it.

"What are you doing?" James asked. The fear tightened his chest.

"I'm going to call Aleks." His voice was shaky and desperate.

"No, you can't!" James cried. He snatched up the phone and held it out of his reach. "Come on, Jordan, you promised five minutes ago that you wouldn't tell anyone!"

"You can't go through this alone and you can't just rely on me, so we have to tell someone." He tried to reach past him to snatch the phone from his arm far above. It was too far. He ended up dropping his arm and staring at him sadly.

James huffed. "I can't tell anyone. This is my problem, and I'll deal with this myself."

"But Aleks will-"

"No," James growled. He took the phone and tucked it away in his pants pocket. "We can't bring him into this." He had to blink away the unshed tears. "He's finally happy, Jordan. For the first time since our parents' death, Aleks is happy and I want to keep it that way."

"But you need to be happy too!" Jordan said, starting to grow angry.

"Aleks-"

Jordan grabbed his arm hard, staring right into his eyes. "James, how can I help you? What can I do?" he pleaded. "I don't want you going through this alone."

They were staring at each other again. James didn't want this; he wished he hadn't told him a thing. He didn't want his help or anyone's help but...it was already too late for that. James sighed. "Seamus," he said.

"What?" He frowned at him.

"We can tell Seamus and that's it, okay?"

"Why Seamus?" His face quirked with confusion.

"I kinda... almost told him earlier today... after school," he explained. Technically, he'd almost told Seamus about Nathen, but he could spin this the other way.

He knew that if he could distract the two of them with his almost suicide, he could buy his self some time to sort out everything at home. James didn't want people to know that how weak and defenseless he really was.

Jordan nodded, his face pulled taut with worry. "Okay, we will tell him tomorrow, right?"

James nodded. He was in much too deep and he had a feeling it was all going to come crashing down.

"Yeah, we'll do that."