Im Not Ok (Phanfic)

Chapter 4

I might not be on for a while because of personal issues... I hope you all are having a good day though💕

Dans POV

TRIGGER WARNINGS STILL APPLY

I walked out of PJ's house around 6 AM. PJ was still fast asleep on his bed and I was on his chair. My mum called me and said I had to go, so sadly I couldn't say goodbye. But PJ's mom said she would tell him.

When I got home I felt empty. That terrible feeling when nothing really matters and your not sad, nor happy. Where you just sit there and wonder when everything went wrong. Aka every fucking day of my life.

My anti depressants ran out and my parents are too oblivious to notice that I still need them. My dad is at some meeting and my mum just 'needed to go food shopping'. But I know she just wanted to get away from me. Food shopping doesn't take two hours.

I walked over to my windowsill and sat down on it. It's days like these where I question the reason of my existence and the inevitability of death.

You're a faggot

Just die already

You couldn't even save your brother how do you expect to save yourself

My mind starts to race everywhere. I started to cry. They're right. I am a fuck up. I don't deserve to live anymore. I couldn't even save Adrian.

I found myself opening the box that I hide in the back of my closet. I open it up to see the note Adrian wrote before he left. I decide to read it, which resulted in me crying even harder. It read:

December 1, 2008

Dan, I love you. Don't ever forget that. But I just was not happy here. Please don't blame this on yourself because none of it was your fault. You couldn't have helped me. I was a lost cause. Save yourself instead. Show mum and dad this note too. Stay strong, for me, for your friends, and most of all, for yourself. I might as well tell you now why I wasn't happy. Well I was bullied every day. Beat up and ignored by teachers walking by. Even though mum and dad were so nice to me, it still was hell(sorry for my language) I hope dad finally accepts you and you find an amazing boyfriend (or girlfriend i guess XD) I will always be with you, even though you can't see me. Stay strong my big brother. I love you.

              xoxo- Adrian Howell

After I read that I started to cry even more then I already was. I miss him. I miss him so much. Why him?! Why couldn't it have been me.

I put the note back into the box then took out the next. I don't know exactly why I'm doing this but it's too late now.

To Dan

Hey buddy. I just wanted to tell you.... Goodbye. I have attached the friendship necklace we made with each other in year three. You were my best friend. And this is my last goodbye.

-Daniel Kyre signing out for the last time September 16 2015

It should have been me

I have no reason to live

What if i died tonight

My mind is going crazy. I just want to rip my heart out. I feel terrible. My breathing becomes uneven and I start to get light headed. I run over to my bathroom and take out the blades.

Do it

I cut a few times

Deeper. It's not like anyone will notice

I cut again. Deeper then I ever have before. This will probably need stitches. I rush over to the gauze where I cover the many cuts going up my arms, stomach, legs, and chest. The ones on my arms were bleeding a lot more then the others. I started to panic! At what I've done. Those were the deepest. I kept the gauze on for about ten minutes before the bleeding stopped. I didn't bother to put one hundred bandaids on so I just pulled my sleeves over my arms and pretend like nothing happened.

Mum and dad liked Adrian better

They hate you

You're just a depressed faggot

I swear my thoughts are going to kill me before I do.

"Dan I'm home." My mother yells from downstairs

I walk down the stairs to see my mum cooking. "U-uhh mum. What are you making?" I asked

"I'm trying something new. I was over at one of the neighbors house and they taught me some traditional hebrew dishes. I hope you don't mind matzo ball soup. And don't worry about it not tasting good. The Mellet's taught me well." She said with a bright and cheerful tone

I wonder who the Mellet's are. I've never heard that name before. And that also explains why she was gone so long. Not that she worried about me anyways. Adrian was always the favorite of the family. He would get away with anything. He would drop a plate and get away with it. But when I tripped down the stairs and left a mark in the wall I would get a beating from my dad.

"Dan the foods ready. Go get your father and come back down to eat." My mum said in a bright tone

I walked up the stairs and into my dads office. I heard him yelling at the computer. He must be stressed out. "Dad, dinners ready." I yelled from just outside the office door.

I walk back down the stairs and sit down at the table. The food is placed in front of me. It looks kinda weird but ill give it a try. Apparently it doesn't have a lot of calories in it so thats good. I start eating immediately. The mushy, salty, matzo ball dissolved in my mouth. Its actually really good. But soon after I remembered that it had a good amount of calories and quickly put my dish in the sink. I thanked my mum for dinner, even though she didn't even acknowledge I said anything.

I ran back up the stairs to my room. I shut my door, like I always do, and jump onto my bed. I wish that guy actually liked me.

Nobody would like an ugly fag

Once you walk into school he will ignore you and pretend he doesn't know you

My mind is racing everywhere. I just want it to stop. I want it to end. I want everything to end. I wish i was never born. Everyones life would be better. Adrian wouldn't be dead. Daniel wouldn't be dead. My parents would be happy. Everything would be better.

Im not ok. Im really not. I break down all the time. I fuck up everything. Im a depressed, ugly, faggot. I can't ever seem to do anything right. So why should I keep on living? For the hope that maybe someone will finally like me? For the day my parents kick me out because I'm old enough? I don't even know anymore. It just feels like a routine now. Feel empty at school, and come home and break down.

"DAN TIME TO GO TO SLEEP!" My mum says angrily "ok mum."

I try to sleep but it's not working. I just can't sleep. I never can. I walk into my bathroom and take a few sleeping pills. That should allow me to sleep for now. I jumped back in bed just as I was starting to drift asleep.

The next day

I wake up to a pounding headache and my parents yelling at each other. I walk to my door to hear what their saying.

"You don't even care about our son!"
"Well to be fair you don't either!"
"Adrian was better!"
"I know but don't say that."
"Its Dans fault you know"
"Yeah. He didn't accept Adrian's sexuality."

Yes I do. THEY were the ones that didn't accept it. They are such hypocrites.

"DAN! I know your awake so just come down here. We need to get some clothes that are school appropriate." My mum says still shouting with every word

"Fine I'm coming." I said dreading today. I really hate shopping, and my mum hates my fashion. Shes been trying to get me to change for 8 years. It hasn't worked. But now that there is no uniform, I will probably get beat up more then i was at my old school. Right as I walk in ill probably be labeled as that depressed emo faggot. But whats new there.

I walk downstairs and grab a bowl of cereal to eat. My mum has already gone. So surprising. And obviously my dad wants no part of me. I grab my jacket and walk outside to explore.