Forgiving Avalon | o n h o l d

b l u r b | A v a l o n

a/n: Just a heads up, today is March 27, 2020 and yes, it's been 3years since I last wrote a book (what? I've been pretty busy *smiling apologetically) and now that I have free time I'll try to finish this one. Thank you!

The thing about learning is, it isn't just about listening from someone more knowledgeable giving you the lectures of the do's and don'ts, and the right thing and wrong.

No, it's not that simple.

Sometimes, we have to learn through our own experiences. Our own mistakes. That would either shred our hearts into pieces, drown us in regret, suffocate us in guilt and perhaps, all of them at the same time.

That's just how life is.

Or should I say, my life is.

And I really can't deny the fact that I hate it. It's not that I wanted to be perfect, I know I'm already flawed the moment I was born.

It's just that, I can't accept the fact that I learned a lesson in the most heart breaking way. And the worst thing about it is, finding out how much I wanted to take back the things that I've said and done only to realize that I was already far too late.

Everybody makes mistakes. I just wish I had a choice what kind of mistake I'd commit. Pathetic right?

I mean, seriously? How would I be able to do that? I'm no psychic nor a supernatural who can see the future.

It's been a year ever since I've made the worst decision I have ever done in my entire existence. And to say that I drowned myself in wallowing every night for the last twelve months would be an understatement.

Maybe I was punishing myself for being reckless on deciding about what I want and needed. Heck I don't even think I decided it. And there is really no need to reason out the decision I've made other than stupidity.

My stupidity.

I have lost great weight and haven't really minded to fix myself since I busied blaming myself on how unreasonable bitch I was.

I ignored the comments of my best friend and high school friends that was sincerely concerned of me, I ignored the advice of my parents to accept and move on, I ignored all the help I needed to be able to survive this heartache that doesn't seem to downscale even when time had gone by so fast.

So all in all, I ignored myself.

It seems like I've had enough party to last a life time, just that it's a pity party only intended for Avalon.

The whole school knew that we broke up but they never knew who broke up with who. Except for our small closest circle of friends mainly Gianna, my best friend and Calvin, Kiefer's best friend.

To say that Calvin was disappointed at me would be an understatement. Since they knew how much we genuinely love each other, they couldn't believe why it would happen to us.

Why I'd let it happen to us.

Calvin knows where he lived, where he continued his junior year and what he had been going through. But he never told me any information, even if I begged and begged and begged.

I pitied myself for it. Perhaps, making myself miserable was an option to make him re-appear in my life.

I just didn't thought I'd end up miserably failed.

I sighed for the hundredth time, as I stared at nothing in particular as my thoughts voluntarily drifted back to the event I so wanted and do not wanted to forget.