when?

new things&same anxiety

I have written on here a few times but I've deleted almost everything for whatever reason. I hope I don't delete this because I enjoy my fetus writing, but I might end up abandoning it like I have other stories. If you want me to continue writing it just comment positive things and then I'll feel the need to continue. I dunno, I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors and for late updates.  

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  It was colder than usual outside, which was nice. It was blazing hot all summer so I was glad to have decent weather, all though it made people more likely to notice how much I was sweating. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. I was breathing heavy, shaking uncontrollably, and stuttering whenever I spoke. It was my first day of middle school and I had too much anxiety and no idea what was about to happen to me. 

   I was given two schedules, one that I got at orientation and the other that I got in homeroom. I already had the one I got at orientation in the front of my binder so I used it and didn't even think to look at the other one. When I was in my first class the teacher took attendance and didn't call my name. He asked if anyone's name was not called and the whole room turned to me as I alone raised my hand. He asked to see the schedule that I had gotten that morning, so I pulled the abandon and un-looked at schedule out of my binder, realizing it was different than the one i had gotten at orientation. He explained to me that it was no big deal and everyone makes the mistake, but that didn't make me heart beat any less rapidly. I felt so dumb. My first period was actually accelerated English and that made me feel way better, I felt very comfortable in English and less likely to be judged. When I walked into that classroom I calmed down right away and almost forgot that the whole thing had happened. The rest of my day was pretty uneventful. I went through countless teachers talking about how "this isn't elementary school anymore" and "things are gonna be way different this year" and so on. At lunch I sat with my best friends from 5th grade, Winter, Bryan (who I on and off dated in all of 5th grade, but had decided I was too good for in 6th), and a few others.  I mostly just talked to Winter and listened to music at lunch.

    On the bus Imani (one of by best friends, who I was just as close with as I was with Winter, I could never choose between the two) and I talked about our days. She knew about my anxiety so understood how the "incident" in first period was way bigger of a deal to me than it sounded like. When we got off the bus we both went to her house and hung out. To say that she knew everything about me would be an understatement. She knew me better than I knew myself. She knew that I liked boys and girls before I knew, she called me "emo" before I began to let that label consume me, and she knew how I was feeling without me having to say a word. 

  The second day of school was almost less eventful as the first, boring day. I went through my classes and lunch just like the first, but on the bus there was a new girl. Her name was Jane. Imani had already begun talking to Jane in one of her earlier classes and was very exited to introduce us. She said she thought we would get along great. We all started talking and laughing right away. After school we all hung out. We had a great time and I begun to hang out with Jane every day. She quickly became one of my best friends and as she learned more and more about me, I learned more about her. Jane was held back two times, she had two moms but was embarrassed about it and didn't understand how I could openly tell people my mom was lesbian, she smoked weed, she drank, she stole, and she didn't care about her grades. I knew Jane wasn't a very good person to be hanging out with, especially because I was so easily influenced but I didn't really care. Besides even if I did want to stop being her friend, I had no idea how to. I wasn't good at leaving people. My whole life i had always been replaced by friends and I knew how much it hurt, I  would never be able to put someone else through that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOW THAT WAS SHIT I'M SORRY I LITERALLY WROTE MOST OF THAT AT 1:00 AM WHEN I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP but okay some people reading this know that I left a lot of stuff out. That's because there are some people reading this who dunno about all that and I'm not very comfortable with putting it on the internet. Everyone already knows that I self harm or used to, you can tell when you look at my arms or my legs. But other stuff is more hidden so yeah. Plus I've overcome self harm (for the most part) and other stuff, not so much. but yeah I really hope you all enjoy this. The next chapter is going to be mainly about Jane and one other thing, but you'll have to read to find out. Thank you so much to everyone who's reading, I really appreciate it, even if you're one of my friends who I made read it. I'll try to have the next chapter up before Tuesday ?? Probably ? I dunno. But again if I get lots of people telling me to continue then I'll be more likely to update sooner.