when?

bullies & goodbyes

Okay so I don't really give a shit if no one enjoys my writing, cause I do so that's all that matters. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I was now staying with my aunt. I guess in some ways I was happier, being away from my mother, but I was also much much sadder. I felt so awful invading her space. I never ate anything while staying with her, I never even left the room I was staying in unless I was going for a walk. I started going for lots of walks. It's been my best coping skill for as long as I could remember. Self harm was a daily thing. I'd do it whenever I felt anxiety or got sad. Even while in class, I'd ask the teacher to go to the bathroom and I'd go cut. I didn't tell anyone but I'm sure they knew. I was always so paranoid, always pulling down my sleeves or my shorts. I think I was trying so hard to hide it that it became obvious I was hiding something. But no one ever asked me about it. 

    My aunt was trying so hard to get me to open up to her, but I never did. I was so miserable; not eating, self harming daily, and constantly thinking about suicide. I didn't want her to have to deal with that, they were my problems not hers. 

  One day at school this girl Amanda, who I was almost friends with, got in a fight with one of my friends. I'm not sure how it started but after school I texted Amanda to get her side of the story. 

me: Hey, what happened w you & Elise? I heard her side of the story but I just wanted to get yours too cx 

Amanda: Why does it matter 

Me: It doesn't I guess, I was just wondering. It's fine if you don't wanna tell me

Amanda: u and Elise r so lesbian 

me: ?

Amanda: Yur lesbian and Elise is your girlfriend thats why youre defending her and its surprising because ur both so ugly how could anyone like either of you lmao 

and that continued. I didn't think much of her ignorance, she made no sense at all.. I even found it kind of funny. I think that's why I kept replying to her, because it amused me. However after a while it started to get worse. She would tell me on a daily bases that no one likes me and I need to end my life. I never replied to her but the texts continued. On the phone I had there was no way of blocking someone so I asked my aunt if I cold get a new number. When I wouldn't tell her why she took my phone and saw all of the messages from Amanda. She called my mom right away informing her what happened saying I needed to switch schools. I hadn't heard from my mother since I left, and hearing her voice through the phone was weird. I somewhat wanted to ask my aunt if I could talk to her, but I wasn't so sure she wanted to talk to me. I listened in on their conversation until they came to the conclusion that I would move back in with my mom, who was moving into a bigger hose this summer and into another school zone. I could hear my mom saying things like how she hoped she could do a better job this time and it made me feel way better about having to say with her. 

  No one knew that I had been staying with my aunt so my friends couldn't really support me. But everyone was really nice and welcoming me back saying they missed me. My sister was talking to me as I was unpacking my stuff, when she noticed something on my arm. 

"what's that?" she said gesturing to my wrist. I quickly pulled my sleeve down but she came up to me and pulled it back up exposing the dozens of cuts all up my arm. I tried to pull my sleeve back down but it was too late, she'd already seen. She immediately started crying and begging me not to so that anymore. She was listing reasons why it's not good, and I just hugged her in response. She actually cared, and that meant so much to me. That night I flushed ALL of my blades and promised myself, never again, because people do care. 

  The next day of school was the last day. I didn't really talk to anyone but Effy, and she was very sad about me leaving. We promised not to replace each other and to stay close. She was the most important person in my life and I never wanted to lose her. 

 !~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Okay so I changed a little bit with the Amanda part, that's not actually how people found out what she was saying to me, but it involved the cops & someone going to jail & shit so I don't really wanna post that on the internet. But I hope you enjoyed. I'll try to update again by next weekend!! :)