My heart throbbing with fear and despair yet longing for love, longing for lust. I’m not supposed to feel this way. Not after my eyes gazed his. Not after what I felt to be loved by the devil.
A handsome and striking devil.
I was living a happy and perfect life. Waking up to see the sun rising, hearing the melodious singing of the birds… My life is a fantasy. Cliché but true. Your life can be one heaven of a fantasy as long as you want it to be.
God has the biggest role in my life. Through my darkest nights, He showed me the way. Thousand times I fail but He is always ready to mend my heart.
I wonder why He gave me him.
Why He would let the prince of darkness emerge in my life and tempt me with his alluring charm. My faith is so strong and unbreakable yet here I am now, missing the old me.
“Karsten, honey, please be ready the service will start in about an hour!” aunt Cecil spoke merrily. Beaming with a smile, she’s part of my cliché life, clad in a sun dress. She’s always like this every Sunday. Well, everyday I might say.
“I don’t want to. I’ll go out with Arron...” I huffed almost out of vigor, not in the mood of attending the church. Conscience continues to tauten my gut, never desiring to see a sanctuary filled with loyal Christians worshipping Jesus.
“Karsten…” she calls me with a hint of sadness and defeat in her voice. She knows I can’t resist that tone.
“Arron, again? Why haven’t I met that guy? You’ve been with him through the past two years and a lot of things had been changed about you. Who is he?” she adds furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. I never had the chance to let aunt meet Arron, or let’s say I never wanted them to meet. And don’t ask me why.
“Aunt… I’m not going. That’s final. Have fun, I love you!” I said closing the door of my room immediately.
Bile from my throat arises as I hear footsteps towards my room. Wow, this is a new move! I must admit, it makes me damn nervous.
“Karsten, you are not going out with Arron.” she paused for a minute waiting for my response. Oh how you don’t want to hear that.
‘“That. Is. Final. I’ll talk to you later,” her voice full of authority. It’s a don’t-mess-with-me voice.
“As if!” I raised my brows, my heart filled with anger. Not because she is my legal guardian she can set the boundaries in my life. No one can ever replace my parents. The warmth and compassion of their embrace, the words that are softly spoken to reassure my fading hope and the genuine sincerity in their eyes. It is love, true love. But that is the past. I will never let my past to weaken me.
“Hey!” I greeted Arron cheerfully.
“Hey, sexy…” his voice filled with lust and hunger. He satisfies me, always brings me into a whole new world. When I’m with him, everything is right. I feel so strong yet vulnerable. I don’t care what people think about me, how I slid back as long as I’m with him.
“Can you come?” I asked even knowing the answer.
“So, you didn’t attend, huh? I’m so proud of you, darling. Wait for me...” he never wanted me to go to church. He says Sunday is the time for us to rest. If God rested, why wouldn’t I?
I took a bath and wore racy lingerie. I blow dry my hair, put on some mascara and applied lip gloss as I pout my lips. I look in the mirror to check appearance, my brown silky soft hair falls to my waist, tanned skin that glows as the sun glistens through the window and my hazel brown eyes, people always say they can’t stop looking at them for it is filled with innocence, love and acceptance.
Karsten, deep inside, I know that’s not you. What happened to the Karsten I knew? The Karsten that wakes up early in the morning just to talk to God, setting aside all her commitments just to practice the songs for Sunday service. A girl that is full of hope and joy and inspires everyone with her truthful words. You let him ruin your life. Please don't turn back, I love you...
“STOP IT! STOP TALKING TO ME, WHOEVER YOU ARE!” I shouted furiously and I cried hard. Why can’t it leave me? Wouldn’t that Holy Spirit stop filling me with conscience? I am happy now!
As if on cue, the doorbell rings. It’s him.
My feet won’t move. My heart is constricting and I’m out of air to breathe. Seems like the whole world stops as guilt and conscience gratify my soul. Deep down inside, the credence I’ve been running away from is slowly rising. Faith. The trust that appeases the shattered life of mine fulfilled my life with joy but made me blind in so many different ways. I blinked and a single tear escaped my eyes. This can’t be happening, I’m not crying… I will never show my weakness since I don’t have one. None.
You are strong Karsten. You served as a living witness for God. Please understand, I know you’re having a hard time but seek God and see how great He is. Are you really happy right now? Are you contented with who you are? With the change that wrought upon you…
“YES! I AM!” my fists clenching tightly and teeth gnashing with rage. With all my strength, I strove to move forward. But I can’t. An insuperable force persists to lure me back. My mind tells me to go on, open the door please yourself with thrill in his presence but my heart persuades me to remain and listen. I don’t know what to do, I’m happy with him and God wants me happy right? So why would our relationship be restricted? Why do I feel like my link with him is an immense barrier between me and God?
I stumbled out of my perception as I heard the rushed opening of the door. Standing in his tempting glory, Arron scrutinized me with his piercing crystal emerald eyes. No fear. No love. No pity.
Why do I stay with him?
That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for a long time. I get nothing but the pleasure of the happiness in the world. Fool other people, be fooled. Give love, receive love. Fight and destroy. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy that’s what he taught me. You don’t need to be a hypocrite proclaiming how devoted you are just to prove that you are a Christian.
“You, okay?” my heart breaks as I realized, what if? What if he is a real human? With real feelings and sympathy, not a dark creature trapped in a vessel.
"Ye-yes... I'm...uhm..ok..." words stuttered with doubt and candor. He will never know discern the fear suppressed inside. Forcing myself to believe that what I am doing is right, I look him directly in the eyes, my heart beating faintly.
“Would you come with me?” his deep husky voice hypnotizing me with lure.
“Sure,” an answer that I will surely regret.
YOU ARE READING
Beyond Boundaries
Spiritual"Be still and know that I am your God..." A faithful Christian trapped in the real world fell for the allurement of the devil. Her devoted ways changed into the darkest deeds as the power of the devil lance her life. But the question that continues...
