False Dreams And High Hopes

Little Big Girl

Coming up wasn't easy for me or Tiara. It felt as if my life was stolen from me before I got the chance to really explore. It was hard and it still is, I always think what if I had a mother or father, would my life be any different or maybe my life was just meant to be the way it is/was.
My aunt, which we called aunty was already 50 plus when she began caring for us. She had no kids and a part time boyfriend, I call him part time because he was barely there but we was sure glad when he was! My aunt was evil some times. We starved plenty of nights that was normal for us. She would wake us up on school nights to scrub corners with a tooth brush, or how about this, buy us toys that we can't play with, or dressing us like boys because she said we were "fast"!!! I know it sounds like a movie right, wrong!!! Every child, male or female goes through puberty etc but I don't think my aunt knew her parenting skills set me back a lot in life. It was like literally one day I was this home-body, straight A student then I became this gangster, hustling savage. I was always smart but just book smart not street smart until I learned. My life in Georgia was only the beginning but it felt like the end. I didn't know which way to go, all I knew was that I had to survive!!! When my aunt used to beat us, I felt like I could get through anything. These weren't just beatings though, these were hard core ass whoopings no one deserves, but that's not the worst part. The part that stuck with me was the mental abuse. It took me a while to come to the terms, that I'm not a little girl any more, I had to keep pushing, praying, struggling, and more praying in order to get it(life).
Honestly I would've preferred the physical abuse because nothing in this world can amount to the sleepless nights, crying to God, debating on suicide, the feeling of loneliness, thinking no one cares, being insecure, and not feeling good enough to accomplish what you sought after. I can't say it was all bad, we had some great times together. I was in the girl scouts, which was a great experience. When it was time to sell girl scout cookies we were pro's. Not because we liked standing up all day and night but because we knew our work wouldn't go unnoticed. Every year after the sales we would take a trip to any theme park of our choice and enjoy ourselves. Pay attention now! That right there is where I got my ambition from. Let's not forget about camping. I used to love camping. I felt well at home only I was in the big woods, dreading going home, but camping as a child also helped me in the years to come. I was born a survivor. My thing is that if you pay attention to the small things in life, the biggest obstacle for you will be easier, let's be honest and be honest with yourself first. If you knew being an adult was this stressful, you probably would've sat down and stayed on the porch. Hell I'm honest with myself I'm glad I was gone. I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I was ready. I didn't set out looking for help because I had no where or nobody to turn to.
But before I get carried away another thing I suffer with now as an adult is being anti social. My aunt didn't allow us to be social, no phones, no friends, NOTHING!!! It was all one big nightmare. We knew not to ask for anything especially if she was in a bad mood which was all the time! That means no school dances, or after school pep rallies, no sleep overs and no company. It sucked so bad but what could we do about it. We knew not to square up either! I don't think she realized how much of my adult life reflects back on my childhood life. I know I'm leaving out somethings that'll come to me later but you guys get the picture. Who would treat innocent children this way you ask? Unfortunately I don't have an answer to that but I do know that I didn't let it hold me back for long.
Coming up all I had and felt like I needed was my sister, she was my back bone. We shared a small room, with two twin beds. She wouldn't even let us decorate the room hell for all I know the room still looks the same! But when all else fails I look to her, it's only right, she struggled with me, she took beatings for me, she gave me hope, and I never felt alone. You know how siblings get on each other nerves? Well we had a different kind of bond and we still do to this day! We always understood one another even if we didn't really understand, point of it all we knew that we were all we had. I never questioned her loyalty towards me. My aunt used to tell us awful things especially about my mom. We couldn't even say to much about miami or mama or anything that had something to do with our memories of home! I'm pretty sure majority of the kids these days hear a lot of negative things and I reach out to the babies who don't deserve to go through that but people are cruel especially to the kids who aren't being raised by their biological parents! My aunt used to tell us we wasn't gone be shit, and that we used to eat roaches because my mom smoked cracked and we couldn't afford food. Now all this is coming from my aunt who graduated top of her class, didn't want or need for anything or anyone, she was very independent. She worked as a computer tech. On a submarine on the navy base. You would think we were living a good life if you were on the outside looking in, we stayed in a nice house in a suburban area, where everybody knew everybody. Where we allowed to garden and play outside when allowed and run wild. We had a few neighborhood friends but I bet if u asked them about us, they probably would say we were weird and we definitely didn't fit in. My sister was the more popular one in school considering the fact that we didn't have what the other kids had. We didn't have the clothes to fit in for one and I definitely didn't have the courage to fit in. Fitting in as a teenager was important to me, I just wanted to be regular. Regular for me was being like my peers, now I didn't say I wanted to be a follower but I'm just saying who didn't want to fit in?