Broken and Alone

~ i n t r o ~

I wake up to the repetitive feeling of my mother tapping my shoulder. I open my eyes to see the crowded space I was in. There were seats crammed into the place, a person sitting in each one. A voice surrounded all the people. At first I was a bit anxious when I hadn't completely taken in my surroundings but once I had and remembered where I was, I relaxed. I was a little bit happy. For real though, that's what I thought anyway. I have always seemed happy but I almost never am. At school I am known to be energetic, authentic, optimistic but it's all a lie. I'm not what people think I am.

For years I've acted this way so people can't see who I really am or how I am feeling. When ever I want to frown, I smile. Whenever I want to cry, I laugh. Whenever I want to take out my anger, I tell a joke. It's how I've acted for years yet it still doesn't come naturally. I still have to force everything I do.

At school, I am the girl who doesn't have a best friend but am friends with everyone. I couldn't have one really close best friend because I would feel too guilty for lying to them because I could never tell them the truth of what was really going on with me. What had happened to me. It was something I haven't talked about since the day it happened but it forever roamed my mind and refused to exit my thoughts.

When I was in grade seven, I read the first three books from The Mortal Instruments series. I clearly remember one quote from City of Bones from Jace.

"To love is to destroy,
And to be loved is to be destroyed."

I hadn't really understood what I thought then, but once I read this I knew exactly what I thought. Love might be something healthy and pleasurable for some people but for me, it was a weapon whether I wanted it to be or not. As much as I disliked it, I directly related to Jace. It was then I decided I couldn't get too attached to someone because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I look out the window and see that the plane is almost on the runway.

I didn't want to hurt anyone else.

That was the only time I ever truly failed.