She's Lit (Urban) [ON HOLD]

7

The things you go through always affect you as you grow up. You just can't keep the past in the past. For me, when my real dad left us, I could never shake the feeling of abandonment. But I was content, I guess, since he wasn't coming back. I didn't have to face him. Or at least I thought I didn't.

"Tahzia I need to tell you something," My heart jumped. That's not something you hear from my mom often. First, she barely acknowledged me when I walked in, and second I have only a t shirt on that reaches above my knees. I looked at her questionably. She's not going to say anything about it? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and just as any person would do, I looked over. What I saw was not a something I was ready for. No, it wasn't a ceiling fan, a blinking clock, even some stray cat in the house. Not at all. It was a man. A man that I hoped and prayed to never see again. This man was Daniel Peterson. They call him Danny. Danny held a...little boy.

My hand held my wide open mouth. Tears burned the back of my eyes. He was here. "What the f--," My mother stopped me from speaking. I was not up for this. "Tahzia I know what you're thinking. We have a restraining order, this and that. But I wasn't honest boo. I only said that so you and Raina would feel safe. I'm sorry honey. But I promise he's gotten better," She soothed me. I could feel my hands shaking.

"Um, wassup Tahzia. I-I know you remember me. Well, a different me. Look I ain't all bad no more. I had therapy and anger management class the whole time in jail. I want to apologize too. I was a bad daddy. I was piped up on drugs and alcohol all the time. Was never addicted, just did it to get high. I'm sorry lil ma," He lowered his head a little as if he was crying.

"A-and this is Lil Jay. I guess he yo brother, if you still consider me ya pops still. We had to move back here with some family since his mama just died from cancer. I'm lucky they let me keep him after all I did. But I guess they saw how much I changed," He spoke up. Jay waved at me with a small smile. He looked around 7 or 8. He seemed to be mixed as well. That must have been my dad's type. 

Those were the last few things that were said before I reminded myself of how upset I was. South hated me, he cheated on me, I still have his shirt on and my abusive father is standing in my house. Fuck this. It's too much. He only made my misery worse. I muttered an "okay", waved at my brother, and ran up the stairs.  I made sure that the shirt didn't show nothing. As soon as I walked through my door, I locked it, lay on my pillow, and cried. I cried for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I didn't deserve this. I usually din't cry about stuff like this but this time, it was too much. I was falling in love with a nigga who couldn't...handle me? And the man who I told myself I would ever have to see again is in my living room. I don't even know. What was I supposed to do? 

I need a blunt.

-----

I never got that blunt. I was too busy laying in bed for the rest of the week. My moms let me stay home for the week. So now, it was Saturday again and I was still in bed. I was on my laptop typing some random bullshit for homework when I got an annoying beep from my phone. I grabbed the stupid thing and opened my phone. It  automatically opened whatever the person sent to me. I looked away from my computer and saw that Maria sent me an Instagram post in my dm. I hadn't told anyone about me and South. She commented with a question mark. I tapped on the video that was sent and tapped again for the sound. At first I was confused  because all it was, was a party. But then it was a strip club. Then a lap dance. Then it was South. South getting a lap dance. He surely was enjoying it too. And so was the girl. I clicked on the profile and started lurking. It was some random dude that I had seen a couple times around school. He was a bad kid which is probably how they got into the strip club. 

The videos he had were all of parties from then and now. I stopped on one from yesterday. It was of South with his usual cute smile, flirting with the same girl. The next video was of the lap dance, and the next of South making out with the girl, It was a whole spam of that party. The last video was of South going into one of the private rooms with the stripper. That bitch. South was smiling real hard. He was high. Maybe drunk. My anger spiked again.

Next thing I knew, my phone was being thrown against the wall. And then my laptop. And then my clock. This is bullshit. "Tahzia! Quit throwing stuff!" My dad yelled from his room. I didn't care. I got got up, put some clothes on and began to walk out the house. I knew my phone was broken now, so what's the point? I hurried into my car and started her up. And we drove without thinking.

I knocked on the door hard and quick. I waited for just about a whole minute before the door unlocked and opened. There stood a hungover South with nothing but some basketball shorts on. Damn he is fine. Ugh. "T?" He was confused at first. Then his eyes widened and he started talking. "Oh my god T, I am so sorry baby. I shouldn't have talked to them girls, hid it from you, and kicked you out. ...You saw the videos didn't you?" I nodded my angry head up and down. "Baby, I am so so so sorry. I barely remember last night and I wish I didn't go out at all. I know it looked like we did something but I swear we didn't. We just...played around but I swear I stopped her before she even touched me."

"You know what? It doesn't even matter. You ain't even my business anymore. I can't have a nigga that's going to do...this. This is not my problem. But you know what? I thought that you actually cared about me. I thought you felt the same way about me that I felt about you. I can't trust you South. You the same as my daddy! I should have known this shit would happen. You don't care about me. You just want to go have fun with every girl. You do that South cause that ain't my goddamn problem. Go fuck that stripper," And with that, I walked away. I shouldn't have come here. I was so angry but somehow I managed to keep it in. Just as I had done my whole life. 

When I got home. the first thing I did was start throwing everything in my room. I can't hold this in no more. I didn't need this. I didn't need anything. I threw my lamp straight at the flat screen tv across the room. I threw just about everything else after that. Next, I punched my concrete wall. I don't know why I thought that would help. I cried out in pain as I felt my bones shift. I stepped back and my feet connected with glass of my lamp, causing me to fall on my ass. I yelled again. 

I screamed, cried, and felt that pain for what felt like hours.

I really wish I hadn't have broken my phone.

~~~~~~

So I'm mad. That's why T is mad. I actually did break my wrist from punching a wall. But you know, it's all good.