Random Poetry and Writings

I Can't Sleep

3/8/16
I'm lying here and a thousand things are racing through my head. High School. University. Stressed Out. Coming Out. Going Out. Having to pee. Being depressed. Tired. Exhausted. So many things.

My windows are up and I can hear the wind blowing over my music playing quietly to not disturb everyone sleeping in my house. My 18th birthday is a week from tomorrow. I should be excited, right? And I am, but I'm also sad and scared. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be another adult. I like not having to worry about adult things like paying the bills for this month. But I'm also scared because I've always said that when I turn 18 I'd come out to my parents but now I'm unsure... My parents are extremely unsupportive of the LGBTQ+ Community and are very religious so I know it won't work out very well. But I'm also afraid that if I were to die tonight or tomorrow then I will die being known as a Christian girl who believes exactly what my parents believe and that is a lie. I do not believe in any god and I am not a girl. I love based on someone's personality and not their gender and I am an asexual and not a virgin. I have done drugs before and I have drank alcohol before. I have also tried to commit suicide five times in my life. Five that I can remember. Seven times total from what my friend had to tell me because I overdosed and don't remember it at all. My parents know none of this. I'd be disowned for the drugs and alcohol alone. Sent to military school for the virginity things and god knows what would happen about the suicide attempts.

My life's not the worst. It could be a hell of a lot worse but it could also be a hell of a lot better. I know and understand that some people have drastically different and shitty lives and I am grateful that I do have what I have now. But why do I feel so goddamned depressed all the fucking time? Why do I have anxiety about everything? I don't have a shitty life compared to some people and yet I hate it. Why? Why?? Just some one tell me why I am so fucked up?

Ugh.

I'm thinking of moving out. Just packing my things up and moving out. Then tell them I'm trans. Or pansexual. Or asexual. Or an agnostic ( I think that's the right word anyway). Or any other of the countless things that they'd disapprove of. I know of some places I could go and stay for a little while. I might even be able to finish high school. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore