The Only Hope for Me is You-Frerard

9-Gerard

I wake up feeling cold. I reach over, but the bed next to me is empty. I open my eyes the tiniest bit to look, and as expected, Frank isn't there. I groan and sit up, clutching the blankets to me. I listen for the sounds of life in the house, but I don't hear anything. The house is quiet.

    Until I realize that I was hearing music the whole time, but didn't notice until now. I hear Mikey's voice, and Frank's, and they're talking, and then there's more music. I realize that the music is what woke me up. Are they...having a jam session? I wrinkle my brow, thinking about it. For some reason, I feel a little jealous. It's not like Mikey and Frank aren't allowed to hit it off, but I...I guess I thought I was the link between the two, and I guess I liked that. And I guess I'm not the link. It's weird.

    I get out of bed and creep down the hallway to stand outside of Mikey's door. It's closed. I feel weird doing it, but I listen through the door. The song isn't one I remember. I wonder which one of them wrote it. The song ends, and I hear a sigh, but I can't tell who it comes from. "That was good." Frank says. "Really good."

    "Yeah." Mikey sounds dreamy. I know exactly which facial expression he must be making right now. It's the light, distant eyes that always go with that voice.

    "You seen distracted." Frank says, reading it too.

    "I am, I guess." Mikey says.

    "What's up?"

    "You really want to know?"

    "Of course."

    "You really want to hear a fourteen-year-old's problems?"

    "Of course. You aren't that much younger than us, you know."

    "I know."

    "So go ahead. Spill."

    I can hear Mikey's blush through his voice as he says, "Well, it's about Pete."

    "What about him?"

    "I was just thinking about how...well...he said he wrote some songs about me. He's in a band, and they're playing at this little club downtown. It's an all-ages thing, but it's pretty...well, it's a place Gee would like, but wouldn't like me to go to. Pete wants me to go this coming Friday night to see his band play, and hear the songs he wrote about me. I really want to, but I know that Gee will never let me go. He'll be too worried. But I want to do this so much. I'd give anything to see my boyfriend preforming with his band. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way I could go."

    I cringe a little. I know which club he's talking about. It's the Hub, and yes, it's downtown. But not in the normal downtown. In the sleazy downtown. It's an all-ages place, but no parent would want their kids there. They don't technically serve alcohol, but people bring in alcohol and drugs all the time. I really don't like the thought of Mikey being there all alone. But this really seems to matter to him. For a moment, I feel angry about how I basically have to be Mikey's dad a lot of the time, but I push that down. I need to decide what's best, but this certainly is an ethical conundrum, and I'm mulling it over on four hours of sleep.

    "Maybe he'd let you go if you showed him how important this is to you?" Frank suggests.

    "I don't know." Mikey says. "The parental brain will probably kick in. He thinks he's my dad or something."

    "Does that bother you?" Jesus, Frank sounds like a shrink when he says that.

    "Sometimes, I guess." Mikey says, and I feel that sting in my chest. "He's not my dad, and just because my real dad left us, that doesn't mean that he has to take on that role. He just needs to accept that he isn't my dad, and him pretending to be isn't going to keep me from being fatherless like he is. When he tries to be my father, it's like a little kid playing house. It isn't always realistic, just like he's doing his best to do what he thinks dads do. But he doesn't know, he didn't have one either, so he doesn't know any better than I do. But he acts like he does. He doesn't know what he's doing. And he's a bit hypocritical with his dad act. He's allowed to do things, but I'm not because they're bad for me. He gets too into this little act. I don't know, I just wish he knew that I don't need him to be my dad. I need him to be my brother."