The Only Hope for Me is You-Frerard

18-Frank

 Gerard really wishes he was dead. I've thought about it before, in the abstract. Who would come to my funeral, what they would say, what I'd write in the note. That kind of thing. But never seriously enough to need to call someone to talk me down.

I wake up in Gerard's bathtub. It takes me a moment to figure out where I am. The shower curtain is drawn around me, and Gerard is nowhere to be seen. I open the curtain, standing and stretching. Gerard is knocking something back in front of the bathroom mirror.

I remember that he's suicidal, or at least, he was last night. Panic rises in my throat. "What was that?" I ask, voice shaking.

"You really wanna know?"

I nod. I'm trembling.

"Xanax. I didn't snort it because I hear that that's bad for your nose." He says this as though it's no big deal.

This is exactly what I couldn't do, why I broke up with him.

"It's not so bad. It makes me feel...light." He says.

"I can't do this." I mutter, climbing out of the bathtub.

"Can't do what?"

"I'm back in your world again! I can't deal with the drugs and the alcohol and...I just can't do it. I'm there for you if you need me, but it's clear that you don't."

I leave, and he follows me to the door wordlessly. I leave his apartment, not closing his door behind me. He stands in the doorway and watches as I light up a cigarette. He looks disoriented and confused. I close his door for him, and I don't stick around to see if he stays by the door or not. I just leave the apartment complex. I've been staying at a motel for a long time now. I should probably get my own place in the city soon.

"Hey Mikey." I say into my cellphone, talking around the cigarette between my teeth.

"What is it Frank? It's really early."
"Your brother's on Xanax now. I just thought you should know."

I hear Mikey start to say what sounds like "Oh god..." but I hang up before we can actually have a conversation about it. I need to be away from the Ways. I need to be away from everyone, and everything. I told Gerard that I couldn't do this anymore, and despite that, I still find myself getting pulled back into his world.

Love is stupid.

I go to a café near Gee's place, and sit at a table, ordering only coffee. I stare out at the busy street. I can't stop reliving it. Gerard doing drugs, telling me he wants to kill himself. Cocaine, alcohol, Xanax. Three things he loves more than me.

I don't know how I get back to the motel, I just remember getting asked to leave the coffee shop and then being facedown on the bed in my motel room. I guess I drove, but I don't remember anything about the car ride.

My breathing is slow. I'm not having a panic attack. I usually would in this situation, but this feels like something else, something that's just as bad, if not worse. Everything is disjointed. I feel like I'm seeing everything a few seconds after I'm hearing it. I can't move my body, no matter how hard I try. I don't have the presence of mind to try too hard. I feel numb. I feel nothing. I feel empty. I'm staring into space. I'm only aware of my own body when I have to move my head to keep from suffocating, because my face is pressed to the mattress.

I keep reliving it.

It occurs to me that maybe I could use some help, but I can't reach the phone. I can't move. I want a cigarette, but I can't reach that either. I already had one when this started, and it's singed a hole in the comforter on the bed. I can smell the smoke a little. The covers aren't on fire, so I can't bring myself to move.