Help me to Heal

Chapter 5

I know this feeling of shame I have isn't right.... But that's how I feel now. Besides the pain of loosing her, I'm ashamed. I feel the pain for myself, in the dark. But when I'm surrounded by people, pain just can't be shown. I have to act like nothing happened, show them I'm OK and go on with our lives. That's when shame shows up. It's shame for having just one parent from now on instead of two, and seeing everyone else with both their mom and dad. I know... it's wrong to feel this, but don't judge me.

I feel my cheeks burning when my friend and the boy with him walk my way. His apologetic smile makes me want to break down and cry, but I can't, I have to be the same girl I was yesterday, when things were right and I still had someone to call Mom.

"Hi Vicky, I'm so sorr...."

"Hey Joey. Come on, let's go play outside" I interrupt him and drag him and his friend out of that room full of people pretending to be as sad as my family to make us feel better, I guess.

I had to stop him from finishing that phrase. If I had let him, the fragile wall I've been building in my mind for a few hours would have broken down and all the progress I've made in acting unaffected would be thrown away.

"Geez, Vic!! I almost trip over myself!!" Joey complains in the way out, while I still wonder who the other boy is. I start to like the stranger. I appreciate the fact that he's just following us without asking, this is exactly what I need right now. I don't want anyone talking to me about her from now on.

When we finally get to the peacefull and small garden in the back of the building, the three of us stand looking awkwadly at each other. I take the opportunity to scan the misterious boy, taking in every small detail of him. He's very thin and small, but neatly dressed, and seems to be very shy because he hasn't looked up at me since he arrived. Intrigue fills my thoughts, and inmediatly I forget about where I am, and for the first time in days, I'm distracted from my reality.

"Oh! I almost forgot. This is Christian. He moved next door a week ago. That's why he doesn't have any friends yet" Joey says and puts an arm over the boy's narrow shoulders, finally making him look up to reveal the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. His pupils are submerged in a bright green sea, interrupted by subtle brown waves. I got lost in his eyes for a minute.

"Hi.. uhm... Victoria, right?" He says with the smallest voice, making me laugh a little. His accent is thick and strong, interesting enough to make me want to hear him talk again when in fact I just want silence.

"Yeah, call me Vicky. I hate when people use my full name."

After playing in the open field for a while, we got tired and sat down under a tall pink tree. I couldn't keep my eyes off Christian. I've never felt this way in my life, it's like my eyes need to look at his. Both him and Joey have dark brown hair, not curly but not straight either. They have a lot of things in common and that catches my attention. Maybe the three of us will get along and maybe we can become best friends.

The sun is setting in this city, getting me out of my trance. Darkness reminds me of her absence. Instantly, I start to feel alone and uncomfortable. I need to go back to my dad.

"Hey, uhm, can we go back inside?" I ask, knowing they don't want to.

"We're good. Let's wait for our parents here." Joey says, visibly not sensing my anxiety.

"Ok then. You two stay here. I'm going back inside" I say with a harsh tone to mask my tears. My voice broke a little at the end of the sentence, but they didn't notice. I start to run to the building, looking down at the flat tombstones under my feet. Tears start to fill my eyes and frustration comes along with them. I rarely show my emotions, that's why I don't have any control over them.

I stop at the entrance to rest a little and dry up my eyes, so it doesn't look like I'd been crying. At 7 I already mastered the art of acting as if nothing happened, even if it's killing you in the inside.

I walk through the lobby, passing many opened doors to rooms full of people, all with a coffin in the middle. I noticed that none of these rooms had as many flowers as my mom's does and somehow it makes me feel proud.

When I get there, my dad interrupts the person talking to him and hugs me.

"Where are your friends? Did they leave?"

"No. I was thirsty so I left them playing and came here" I say with a small smile.

I drank some water and left the room. I was supposed to go back to them, but I don't feel like it. I go to the small coffee shop in the entrance and sit at a table. The place is empty. Everyone's inside their chapels.

With my head resting between my hands, I start to think of school. I don't want to go back. Kids will ask questions that I can't answer. Maybe my dad will let me stay home at least for a month, so everyone forgets what happened and goes on with their lives.

"We were looking for you" A familiar voice says from behind me, but I can't quite tell who's there.

I turn around and see Christian. He smiles to me and offers something that looks like a white cookie with peanuts or something like that.

"What is it?" I ask him before taking it.

"It's almond nougat. Try it, it's very good" He says and extends his thin arm a little more.

He's right. It's great. I eat all the piece he gave me between jokes and laughs. I enjoy his company.

"Maybe we can be friends. Right?" He says, with a smile.

I can't help but nod, smiling and looking forward for many other moments like this one, with my new friend Christian.