Looking forward, not back (OMIMB SEQUEL.)

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Dear Leah Murs,
                              this letter is to confirm that you are aware about the departure of Nathan Matthews on 25/01/2016. The release has been announced by this department due to good behaviour while serving his sentence, the terms of the release is that Nathan Matthews is only on bail and will be released permanently after two years of good behaviour while out in the general public.
                            We hope you are okay and well, if you have any queries you can contact us with the contact details at the end of the letter.

Regards,
Metropolitan police.

I read and re-read the letter slowly, over and over again. My hands shake and my eyes fill with angry, hot tears.

Released on good behaviour.

How absolutely ridiculous.

Okay...maybe he behaved appropriately while in prison...it still doesn't change what he done to actually get his sentence. Nathan could never take back what he done to me and he could never take away the physical and mental scars that the ordeal left me...so why should his prison sentence be taken away from him?

It shouldn't.

I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, massaging my skin, "you okay babe?" Already knowing what the letter was about, he places a kiss on my head and removes his hands from my shoulders to wipe away the tears I let escape.

I tear the letter into shreds and swipe the remains off the table and onto the floor, my reaction just seems to spiral out of control as I start to bang my head against the table, not being able to feel any pain stronger than my emotions.

"Hey, hey, hey," I hear Alex say as he places his hand under my head, allowing me to bang my head on his hand, softening the blow. My head slows down and I stand up and spin around to face Alex, "let out on good behaviour...how fucking unbelievable is that? His prison sentence can't remove this scar," I burst, pulling up my top to reveal the scar from when he sliced my stomach, "or this scar," I turn around to show Alex my back...of course I know he has already seen these before but I carry on anyway.

"...Or even my scarred brain...Alex what if he comes back for me? For you? For Olly?" I say, my tears flowing and my mouth making indecipherable noises that I can't seem to stop as I completely sob at Alex; he grabs my arms gently and pulls me towards him, making me feel safe in his arms.

I bury my head into his chest, hating people see me cry, I try not to cry in front of people, I don't want them to think I'm attention seeking...if I cry in front of someone, I'm truly hurting.

"Baby, you listen to me...are you listening?" Alex says, putting his hand under my chin to make me look at him, I nod slightly to let him know I am definitely listening.

"That piece of scum will not hurt any of us, you hear me? He'll have to get through me first if he even wants to speak to you okay? You know you have both Olly and I, I know I may not be that much of a help because I haven't seen him, I haven't experienced firsthand what kind of man he is...but I can assure you...I won't have to. And even if I do, it'll be me, not you. Okay? I love you baby."

Alex kisses the top of my head several times, trying to pull me closer to him but it's not possible to be closer than I already am. I hold onto his t-shirt snuggling up to it like a child as he sits on the sofa with me on his lap, I realise that I have never felt more safe than I do in this moment.

---------------------------------------------------

"Al I'm kinda nervous to tell him."

Alex and I, drive to Olly and Issy's house, Olly had taken a two year break from his music career to focus on his life and mental well being. I don't blame him, he definitely put more effort into his work than I ever have done.

It's nice to be able to see and talk to Olly whenever I need to and not having to worry that he is on the other side of the world when I need him but it's pretty obvious he misses his music and is excited to get back to it...although he still has one year left of his break.

Today is the day Nathan comes out of prison, 25/01/2016, I don't know what time, he could already be out loose on the streets but I won't know. Anxiety has been filling me since midnight, I haven't slept at all; I don't know why, I feel completely safe with Alex by my side, Nathan doesn't know where I live, I'm in a completely different city to where he is.

But he may know where mom and dad live...after all they had to have each other's contact details when I was 'adopted.'

And it only takes a short train journey to get here.

The reason for Alex and I's journey to Olly and Issy's house is so that I can inform him about Nathan's release...he has no idea about the phone call or the letter...I know I should have told him as soon as I found out, for his safety if anything...but I was trying to bury my head in the sand. I was pretending that it was all just a nightmare and I could carry on with life knowing that he is locked up but I need to face the fact that it's true, he is coming out and I need to make Olly aware.

"It will all be okay, honestly I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart, I know Olly...okay maybe not as much as you do but I know the strong bond you two have, it's unbreakable, the only bad reaction will just be about that thing being let out for good behaviour. You don't need to worry about him thinking badly of you because you told him on the day...I know that's what you're thinking." Alex says gently, placing his free hand on my thigh, his other hand still driving as I weakly smile at the fact that Alex refuses to call Nathan by his name and finds other ways of talking about him.

How can Alex just read me like a book?

I look out the window and stare at the droplets of rain falling down the window, pretending that they're having a race and seeing which droplet falls to the bottom first.

English weather leads you to this kind of sanity.

"We're here," Alex says softly as I snap out of my rain race watching. Anxiety floods my body as I step out of the car and cling onto Alex's hand as his squeezes mine back.

"You ready?"

"Ready."