Spectrum (boyxboy)

March 04th 2014

Dearest ma,

It's been three months since that day. I feel like the pain in my chest just amplifies with each day that passes me by. Aunt May took me to the grocery shop yesterday. It was a quaint little place hidden in the corner of Jameson Street.

I was getting the eggs when it happened. Billy Joel started playing on the speakers. It was your favorite too. The one about the man who played the piano. In those few minutes your face was all I could see. The way you smiled at my jokes that were all but funny. How you would tell me about the newest flower you planted in your garden.

The eggs, long forgotten, were splattered on the linoleum. The orange, a stark contrast against the bleached white of the floor. I was still catatonic as the employee hurriedly began mopping up the mess, apologizing as if she were the one who always made a mess of things, as aunt May walked me outside and locked me in her car, the embarrassment evident on her face. When she got back, her arms laden with shopping bags I was curled up shivering in the car despite the rivulets of perspiration rushing down my face.

Later that day, she called me downstairs, saying there were some things we needed to talk about. Palms sweating I walked down to find her sitting at the dinner table. That's how I knew this was serious. We never used the dinner table.

"Daniel" she said, nodding at me "How're you holding up?"

I didn't answer.

"I was thinking maybe you need a change" she said, her hands uncomfortably wringing together on the polished teak.

"What kind of change?" I asked, my voice hoarse, and resounding.

"Like a change of scenery" she said "Maybe you need to take a vacation".

"I don't want to go back home" My voice sounded whiny.

"I meant like London" She said, effectively rendering me speechless. I knew not what to think of this sudden change of heart.

"You want to send me off to London?" I asked, incredulously. My eyebrows nearly receding into my hairline.

"I'm not sending you off Daniel" she said, finally making her exasperation known "I just think you could do with sometime away".

That was when my hot temper got the best of me. I rushed upstairs taking the steps two at a time before slamming my door, the harsh sound reverberating around the silent house.

A week later I was packed and ready to go. I didn't know how long I would stay and frankly I did not care. My packing was haphazard, another stark reminder of how far from my old self I was. I had tossed some ratty shirts coupled with jeans and some toiletries into an old bag and I was ready to leave. The ride to the airport was silent, I had gotten over my rage towards aunt May, but we were still at that point where it was too awkward to make conversation with each other.

The first thing I noticed when we stepped into the crowded airport was the unbearable amount of noise. It seemed to reverberate off the walls and reach my ears amplified a thousand times. I was at that moment now. That moment when, in uncomfortable situations I would become numb to everything around me. I wasn't listening while aunt may was vehemently apologizing for doing this to me. I didn't hear her, when she told me to take my Prozac every night. I was only aware of where I was when my legs carried me, of their own accord to the gates and onto the plane.

I only came to my senses later. Like an epiphany it all suddenly rushed back to me. While the rest of the passengers were soundlessly sleeping and I was watching the end credits of a movie playing out on the tiny screen.

I was moving to a country that I had never been to before. I would be living by myself and I would not know anyone there. It took me five hours to realize that the unshakable feeling in my stomach was pure, unadulterated, fear.

I miss you more than ever,
A very scared Daniel.