Spectrum (boyxboy)

March 03rd 2014

Dear Ma,

I did not expect the acceptance letter from Columbia University.

Each morning I would wrap around me a thin sweater and walk out in the cold to open the mailbox with frozen fingers. When the letter from Columbia came I had a hard time initially uncrossing my fingers. They seemed to be stuck in an eternal form of hopefulness. My shaking digits opened the envelope with measured movements, the mind numbing cold making them shake with more vigor.

I had barely read the first two lines before my legs were, of their own accord, rushing inside, to where you were, the letter waving in the air like a banner of victory. You read only the first few lines before you looked at me, an unreadable expression lingering in your eyes.

"But New York' s so far away Daniel." was the first thing you said. "How am I going to stay here alone without my baby boy?" you said, your blue eyes piercing, mapping and memorizing.

"I can visit anytime ma" I said, shrugging indifferently, in the way teenagers are so adept to, failing to notice how utterly stricken you looked.

I have always prided myself on the fact that I could read a person's emotions just by looking into their eyes. But at that exact moment I was on a high, my mind could only conjure up images of soaring skyscrapers and vociferous streets.

At that moment I didn't realize the pain in your eyes. I didn't realize that it was more than that of a mother sending her only son off to college. It was the pain of a mother seeing her son for the last time.

A few years from now, looking back I would realize that you were exceptionally good at hiding but had I paid closer attention, your pain was as stark as day.

Your garden that you, so dearly loved looked like a barren land of forgotten roses and dried twigs. You slept till noon each day, wrapped in a cocoon within a million blankets, I no longer heard you singing along to Billy Joel as you cooked your Shepherds pie.

For not noticing your pain I apologise a thousand times. I was so wrapped up in my own world trying to escape that I failed to notice you fighting hard to persevere in yours. Had I been a bit more attentive, a tad less self- indulgent maybe that night wouldn't have happened. But I need to stop blaming myself.

My therapist says that to me every time I go in for a session. Did I tell you that I even had a therapist? You would've laughed at that. Aunt May has made me start, she said she was tired of me staying in bed all day staring at the glow in the dark stars that you put up on my ceiling. I felt like I was obligated to go. She is the one taking care of me now.

It is embarrassing how I am nearing nineteen and my aunt needs to make sure that I eat every day.

I don't talk much with my therapist, she told me that writing my feelings down might help. She does not know that I am writing to you though. She might get mad if she finds out, sometimes I think she wants me to forget you. Sometimes I feel like punching her in the face.

But you told me never to hit a lady.

I am stuck in a limbo. All my life i was so sure about what i wanted to do. I had gotten so close when the blocks came tumbling down on me. Right now, I am living every day trapped in tendrils of nothingness, I have not seen dad since that day.

Aunt May said he's living in the Malibu house. I don't miss him. Sometimes I feel bad for him. He's all alone. Then like the striking of this sudden epiphany I remember.

I'm all alone too.

With love,
Always,
Daniel.